What a Pair!

Between the vagrant boob tube lovers, the chick with the feet and the asshole with the 40-inch computer monitor, you'd think I'd steer clear of Starbucks. But I don't (keep reading below for full explanation), and the coffee giant's new "pairings," as they prefer to call combos, are my latest source of mass-market-retailing "entertainment." I'd never tried their oatmeal (a staple around my house), so I decided to get one on my way to Birmingham the other week.

I had just gone through security at La Guardia with a herd of 20-year-old testosterone-fueled Quinnipiac University baseball players in matching team jackets and hats when a few of the hottest ones stopped to thumb through the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition at the newsstand near to the Starbucks. Suddenly, it seemed like the perfect moment to kill some time while waiting for takeoff. (I totally got caught taking their pictures, too. How does Matt do it???) I get tall lattes every day anyway, so adding an oatmeal for a mere 50 cents more seemed like a no-brainer (I'd read that pairings are $3.95 plus tax, all day). Next thing I know, the woman behind the counter hands me my coffee and oatmeal and says, "$8.01 is your total." HUH? Never a fan of confrontation, I silently assumed the offer didn't apply at the airport and paid and went back to checking out the baseball team.

Back at work last Monday I decided to give it another go. Noting the PAIRINGS sign right there in the dreaded Times Square store near my work, I figured this time everything would be fine. Of course, like most New York cashiers, they refuse to actually tell you the total, and there's no digital display for you to see it for yourself. So, as always, I randomly give people my Citibank debit card and invite them to go to town. Normally I don't even bother getting a receipt (I know), but because of what happened at the airport, I waited for one just so I could enjoy getting the "value." As I moved to the end of the counter to wait for my coffee, I noticed that once again I was charged full price for my "pairing," despite the little pairings advertisement on the very receipt! Instead of complaining, I just considered myself grateful that it wasn't the "airport" price, having just "saved" myself $2.09.
Figuring the third time must be the charm, I tried again in Chelsea on my way to work Saturday (the oatmeal is REALLY GOOD! It's prepared just like Quaker instant but it sure doesn't taste like it). And once again (I kid you not), the cashier tried to charge me full price -- only this time I finally decided this joke wasn't funny anymore and I said something. (He apologized and for a second I almost believed him. I wonder if no one is buying these "pairings" or if they're just instructed to try to pull one of over on the customers.)

But getting back to why I persist on going there. Many have you have written in to chastise me for not patronizing the "mom and pop" shops, and I can't say I blame you. But here's the truth. For YEARS I did. But the now-defunct Big Cup was just a nightmare, filled with adolescent gay boys coming to terms with their sexuality and the creepy pedophiles who were willing to help them confirm it. Cafe Grumpy (right around the corner from me) is adorable, but has virtually no place to sit (I like to read the paper while I drink my coffee) and charges an arm and a leg for the tiniest of coffees. (I guess I'm not European enough to appreciate what they're serving.)

Paradise Cafe seemed like the ideal Starbucks alternative, only it's overrun with the high school students in my neighborhood who are all loud and obnoxious, plus the employees there tend to CRANK the music so much that I can't think straight. (Oh, and the iced coffee tastes like ass.)

And then there's Murray's Bagels, where I went every day for SIX years. The food and coffee are great, if overpriced. But after having the same two employees treat me like it was the first time they'd ever seen me for the 2,190th day in a row -- making me BEG for the Equal behind the counter EVERY SINGLE DAY (they're so stingy they only put Sweet'N Low out) -- I just lost it. Completely lost it. I'm sorry. But just because you ARE mom and pop, doesn't excuse you from treating people like they're IN a mom and pop shop. It was at that point -- with my options dwindling -- that I went to my local Starbucks for the first time. (OK, there are three of them.) The coffee was cheaper (believe it or not) and the people working there were very polite. By the end of the first week, the kids there would smile when I came in and scream out my drink before I'd even order it. (Hello, Murray! I get THE EXACT SAME THING every time. Couldn't your people be a little more on the ball and at least TRY to make me feel welcomed?) So, even if Starbucks did run a bunch of them out of town, perhaps there was some Darwinism involved. Sure, I've had my problems there. But for the most part, the employees in the one I frequent most in my neighborhood seem happy to be there (they get benefits, unlike any other cafe employee, I'm sure) and treat me like the regular I am. And don't forget, Chelsea Clinton and hunky model Doug Porter go there too!