Every 'Cocksucker' Tells a Story

To say the excerpt from Rod Stewart's new memoir in this week's Rolling Stone is loads of fun is putting it mildly! From his close but rivalrous relationship with with Elton John ("Our mutual friend Long John Baldry had christened me "Phyllis," he had christened Elton "Sharon," and that's what we called each other; Phyllis and Sharon. Or just "dear") to the supergroup the duo planned to form with Freddie Mercury -- "Nose, Teeth & Hair," a tribute to each of our most remarked-upon physical attributes. The general idea was that we could appear dressed like the Beverley Sisters. Somehow this project never came to anything" -- "Rod: The Autobiography" is shaping up to be the fall's juiciest read.

But the best moment has to be his revealing the source of the rumor that has stuck with him longer than any other. After firing his "perfectly named" assistant/publicist Tony Toon for bringing a trick back to a hotel room in Hawaii Toon was sharing with Alana Stewart's 7-year-old son, Ashley (a result of the hotel being overbooked), Toon's revenge, Stewart writes, was "absolutely inspired":

He fed the press a story in which, as a consequence of an evening spent orally servicing a gang of sailors in a gay bar in San Diego, I had been required to check into a hospital emergency room to have my stomach pumped. For the record: I believe I was in the Hotel Cipriani in Venice on the night of the alleged incident. I have never orally pleasured even a solitary sailor, let alone a ship's worth in one evening. An I have never had my stomach pumped, either of naval-issue semen or of any other kind of semen. But with minor variations (the quantity of the extracted fluid tends to fluctuate: seven pints, three ounces, half a quart; it's a relatively open field), this story has stayed with me ever since. Say what you like about Tony Toon -- and God rest his soul -- but he was good at his job.

Now does anyone know if this Toon character ever worked for Richard Gere?!

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