Friday, February 27, 2009

Eye Can't Believe That Just Happened

Sorry I've been mostly M.I.A. today. At the crack of dawn this morning -- 10:45 a.m., thanks a lot -- I had my appointment with the retina specialist on Madison Avenue. Telling the story now it was all kind of hilarious, in a "Three's Company" sort of way. But living it was pretty awful. First off, they put all these different drops in my VERY SENSITIVE eyes, which not only dilated my pupils (leaving me quasi-blind for five hours), but also burned like crazy. Then this doctor-in-training did all of these tests and examinations on me with all sorts of machines and VERY BRIGHT lights. When she was finally done, she said she was going to go over her findings with the specialist and he'd come in to discuss them with me.

So I'm sitting there playing with my cell phone when I suddenly realized -- a la Jack Tripper -- I could hear them talking in the next room. She spoke very quietly, but then I hear a male voice say, "On a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being a definite brain tumor, where would you put him?" My heart started beating SO FAST that I seriously thought it was going to burst out of my chest. I've never been so scared in my life. She said something that I couldn't hear, then he said, "So you'd say a 4?" At this point I'm already calculating the odds and thinking, it could be worse. They still don't know for sure. A 4 is WAY BETTER than a 1 or a 2 or a 3. There's STILL a chance I'm not dying. This goes on for another minute or so and then suddenly the door swings open and this man puts out his hand and introduces himself while saying, "How are you today?" There was no disguising my fear and I just blurted out, "NOT GOOD. I hear you talking about a brain tumor." He quickly told me that they were talking about someone else and that I was perfectly fine. (What the other doctor saw was drusen, some type of calcium concretions on my optic nerve that he says I was born with and are not an issue and probably never will be.)

Once I knew I was OK, I laid into the doctor(s) for what had happened, to which the more experienced (at being tone-deaf?) one said: "Why would you possibly think we were talking about you?"

Now I realize in an actual 23-minute episode, Janet would have been the one who overheard the "results" and would have started treating me EXTRA NICE when I got home (fluffing my pillow and rubbing my feet on the sofa). But let me tell you, two minutes was more than long enough for this misunderstanding. So I'm alive and well, but was mostly useless throughout the day.

My vision is just now getting back to normal, but I was encouraged to see that has removed those sickening polls about Rihanna and Chris Brown from its site, even if they haven't acknowledged how tone-deaf they were in the first place.

Happy weekend, everyone!


Anonymous said...

Congrats on not having a Brain Tumor. That is awesome news.

Funny post. :)

Anonymous said...

You had me going there, I'm glad to hear you're okay.
Be good to yourself and your friends.
All the best to you Ken.


Alpha Omega said...

Good thing you are OK!!! I would miss all of the 80's work you place on here!!!

Keep up the good work!

Anonymous said...

the wtf area is nothing. thats on every polaroid of the retina.

Unknown said...

Hey, Kenneth,

Glad to hear you're not dying (at least anytime soon)!

Here's a tip: Your doctor can give you milder drops for dilation and "un-dilation" drops to get your eyes back to normal faster. Mine used to take at least 12 hours to recover. With the "un-dilation" drops it's about 3 hours--well worth the additional sting, IMO. Make sure you mention this when you call for an appointment; they don't always have both kinds in stock.

Take care,


Michael said...

So glad to hear that you're okay! What's an extra calcium deposit or two, right?

And I love how you compared your ordeal to Three's Company - that was pretty classic.

Richard Wall said...

Glad you're OK, honey!!


nojarama said...

He-he! That was too funny. Glad to hear your A-OK!

Anonymous said...

I had the same thing happen to me, Kenneth a few yers back - turns out mine was a lump of cholesterol - boy, did I give up the fried foods and fast!!!

Glad you are okay - sounds like your day was indeed a sitcom!!

Anonymous said...

hey Kenneth, did you go to Stahl Eye Center? I also went there on Friday, around 1pm though. Glad that you are OK. Next time you can try digital examination instead of dilation. It will cost you 35 bucks (not covered by insurance), but without too much hassel.

Jerry said...

Hope all is well...we miss you when you don't post...Hang in there!