Sorry I've been mostly M.I.A. today. At the crack of dawn this morning -- 10:45 a.m., thanks a lot -- I had my appointment with the retina specialist on Madison Avenue. Telling the story now it was all kind of hilarious, in a "Three's Company" sort of way. But living it was pretty awful. First off, they put all these different drops in my VERY SENSITIVE eyes, which not only dilated my pupils (leaving me quasi-blind for five hours), but also burned like crazy. Then this doctor-in-training did all of these tests and examinations on me with all sorts of machines and VERY BRIGHT lights. When she was finally done, she said she was going to go over her findings with the specialist and he'd come in to discuss them with me.
So I'm sitting there playing with my cell phone when I suddenly realized -- a la Jack Tripper -- I could hear them talking in the next room. She spoke very quietly, but then I hear a male voice say, "On a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being a definite brain tumor, where would you put him?" My heart started beating SO FAST that I seriously thought it was going to burst out of my chest. I've never been so scared in my life. She said something that I couldn't hear, then he said, "So you'd say a 4?" At this point I'm already calculating the odds and thinking, it could be worse. They still don't know for sure. A 4 is WAY BETTER than a 1 or a 2 or a 3. There's STILL a chance I'm not dying. This goes on for another minute or so and then suddenly the door swings open and this man puts out his hand and introduces himself while saying, "How are you today?" There was no disguising my fear and I just blurted out, "NOT GOOD. I hear you talking about a brain tumor." He quickly told me that they were talking about someone else and that I was perfectly fine. (What the other doctor saw was drusen, some type of calcium concretions on my optic nerve that he says I was born with and are not an issue and probably never will be.)
Once I knew I was OK, I laid into the doctor(s) for what had happened, to which the more experienced (at being tone-deaf?) one said: "Why would you possibly think we were talking about you?"
Now I realize in an actual 23-minute episode, Janet would have been the one who overheard the "results" and would have started treating me EXTRA NICE when I got home (fluffing my pillow and rubbing my feet on the sofa). But let me tell you, two minutes was more than long enough for this misunderstanding. So I'm alive and well, but was mostly useless throughout the day.
My vision is just now getting back to normal, but I was encouraged to see that TheInsider.com has removed those sickening polls about Rihanna and Chris Brown from its site, even if they haven't acknowledged how tone-deaf they were in the first place.
Happy weekend, everyone!
Friday, February 27, 2009
Posted by Kenneth M. Walsh at 6:13 PM