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What a Tool: Just because Johan Falcon is said to have the world's largest penis (he calls his 13 1/2-inch manmeat a "curse"), did he have to wear those pants in the photo shoot? (TheSun) The close-up is here, although it's more disturbing than anything.

Ain't That American: What does this say about our society? USA Today reports that the broadcast networks are gobbling up cable shows to fill the void created by the writers strike. On Feb. 17, CBS will begin airing Showtime's bloodsoaked "serial killer with a conscience" hit "Dexter" and talks are under way for TNT's "The Closer" and FX's "Nip/Tuck." But what about AMC's critically acclaimed "Mad Men"? It likely won't make the cut -- it has "so much smoking." (USAToday)

I Don't Love N.Y.: If you can't resist the perverse desire to watch the purported sex tape of "I Love New York" star Tiffany Pollard (she denies it's her, but it sure looks like her weave to me), I have a clip of it for you here. She denies that it's her but it sure looks like her weave. (I may be a big fag, but isn't that guy way too hot for her? At least his ass is.) (DrunkenStepfather)

Teammates: These two Long Island hotties -- Mike Komisarek and Christopher Higgins -- are superstar hockey players up is Montreal, where they cannot walk a block without someone asking for an autograph or a picture, and where they would not dream of going out poorly dressed. So where do they go when they're craving anonymity? Home to New York. (Time for a stalking mish, perhaps?) (NYT)

Curtain Call: Three-time French Open champion Gustavo "Guga" Kuerten will retire from professional tennis after playing at Roland Garros this year. Luckily, he look will live on in spirit of "Laguna Beach" cast member and Open Air Stereo frontman Chase.(AP)

Coming Around Again: Former high-end designer turned cheap-chic designer Isaac Mizrahi, who helped create the image of Target as a style destination, has defected from the retailer on Tuesday to a more ambitious, and lucrative, role of making over the struggling Liz Claiborne label. (NYT)

Bad News Beards: The NYPD has decided it won't rest until all of its officers look like embarrassing stereotypes. A Jan. 8 memo clarifies a regulation that says officers are permitted to sport mustaches but are not allowed goatees, chinstrap beards (think Abraham Lincoln) or other "designer beards," like Mike Piazza's creative facial hair when he played for the Mets. I can understand having a grooming policy, but do they have to enforce one that encourages everyone to look like a '70s porn star/all-around douche bag? Oh, well. At least it reminded me that the new season of "Reno 911" premieres tonight on Comedy Central. (Newsday)

Gay Men's Health Crisis: A new, highly drug-resistant strain of the “flesh-eating” MRSA bacteria is being spread among gay men in San Francisco and Boston, researchers reported Monday. (NYT)

Mac Daddy: Matthew McConaughey and his girlfriend, Brazilian model Camila Alves, are expecting a baby. Does his becoming a father mean that he has to wear a shirt now? I wonder how he broke the news to Lance. (AP)

Breathes Without Oxygen: Oprah Winfrey's starting her own television network -- called the Oprah Winfrey Network -- that will feature her face on the screen 24 hours a day. It seems O wasn't controlling Oxygen as much as she wanted to, so now she's pretending like she never had anything to do with it. (NYT

Quote of the Day: "It’s good that I just did Maria. I didn't want to do any of the other tennis players." -- Novak Djokovic after his first-round win over Benjamin Becker at the Australian Open. (Reuters)