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Kiss and Yell: A lawsuit was filed on behalf of a 12-year-old girl in Chicago who claims she suffered psychological distress when a substitute teacher showed her class "Brokeback Mountain." The girl, Jessica Turner, and her grandparents Kenneth and LaVerne Richardson, are seeking more than $400,000 in damages -- and a lifetime supply of KY liquid -- under the suit filed Friday against the Chicago Board of Education and others. Who knew schoolgirls could be so touchy about pup-tent butt-fucking? (Source)

How Much for a Sack? Why does it figure that deep-fried testicles are all the rage in Jeffrey Dahmer country? "Great for tea-bagging." (AP)

Alexis vs. Krystal? PageSix reports that Joan Collins and Linda Evans hate each other in real life and came to blows while on the road performing "Legends." "Joan ended the tour with a sprained knee, a scar on her hand and almost choked to death," a rep for Collins told the accuracy-challenged gossip page. "Evans kicked Joan's hand so hard that she now has a permanent scar and cannot wear a ring on her right hand. And she spent five weeks in therapy when Evans took it too far and allegedly pushed her off the stage." Nonsense, says Evans' manager, Mike Greenfield. "Joan Collins is the biggest fucking sack of shit. She's the single most unprofessional actress working in Hollywood," he told us. "Linda Evans hurting somebody? I find it unbelievable." How much do you want to bet this is a publicity stunt (a la Kathy Griffin's "fall" in London) and Page Six was, once again, duped? (See Peter Braunstein's being "attacked.") (Source)

Tommy Tutone: Tommy Thompson cited a dead hearing aid and an urgent need to use the bathroom in explaining on Saturday why he said at a GOP presidential debate that an employer should be allowed to fire a gay worker. Nothing like having to take a deaf whiz to make you say things you don't really mean. FORGIVEN!!! (AP)

D-Listed: Speaking of Kathy Griffin, how excited am I that "My Life on the D-List" is about to start again on Bravo? The third season of the Emmy-nominated series premieres on Bravo on Tuesday, June 5th, at 10 p.m. and her new stand-up comedy special called "Kathy Griffin: Everybody Can Suck It" (!) will debut an hour before. Read more to hear what to expect this time around here.

PC 2: Al's Revenge: Watch your mouths, kiddies. Political correctness is back in full force (but don't worry: no one's losing their job over bashing the gays). (NYT) (Source)

King of Clay: A day after setting a record for most victories on one surface, Rafael Nadal became the only player to win the Rome Masters three consecutive times. Nadal beat Fernando Gonzalez of Chile 6-2, 6-2 in the title match Sunday, and declared that he's in "the best moment of my career, playing better than ever, so I'm very happy for that." Might he be the greatest clay-courter of all time? (AP)

Shootout at the Longest-Running-Show Corral: Watch your back, "Gunsmoke." "Law & Order" is coming back for an 18th season on NBC. (AP)

Touchdown: NBC delivered some great news at the end of the week: (212) fave "Friday Night Lights" is coming back for another season. (I feared there would be no resolution to this season's cliff-hanging ending, a la "Jack & Jill" a few years ago.) NBC's decision to stick by "Friday" -- as well as Tina Fey's critically acclaimed "30 Rock" -- is a good sign that the network isn't going to abandon all standards in a quest for a quick fix to their ratings woes ("The Office" is still on the air, after all), although the addition of an updated "Bionic Woman" has me scratching my head in disbelief. Rumor has it that "Friday Night Lights" will move to a new night -- arguably the one it should have been on all along: Friday. (Source)

Snatched: "Director" Guy Ritchie is set to direct a new film called "RocknRolla." Did Madonna sign his permission slip? (Reuters)