Among the Crazies, an Officer and a Gentleman

So I happened to get off work early last night and caught most of "The Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentlemen." I hadn't set my DVR to record it, but I'm certainly reconsidering a season pass after last night's painstakingly wonderful premiere.

Seemingly out of nowhere Token Asian Tina decided the surest way into her military man's heart was to serenade him with an a Capella version of "The Star-Spangled Banner." Michael and I thought Bobby Andy was covering his eyes out of shear embarrassment (I know we both were), but it turned out "as a military man" he as so moved he was tearing up. (Talk about embarrassing.)

Then this old hag freak named Linda started making her move, convinced after three minutes in a room with 24 other women that she and Andy were each other's opposite sex "mirror image." She challenged him to a push-up contest and displayed this scary man back. More frightening, however, was the fact that you could see the white part of her eyes in 360 degrees at all times. Isn't one nutcase runaway bride enough?

And finally we met Lindsay. A tad chubby with some jacked-up teeth, Lindsay was in no mood for anything. First she was pissed that Andy gave Stephanie T. his first rose, calling her "kind of heinous." Then when Blakeny fell off her bar stool, Lindsay laughed at her, prompting a full-on bitchfest. In the end, though, Andy didn't give Lindsay a rose and that sent her running out of the house without waiting for the official sendoff. With her heels in her hands she announced to the camera crew that she was "through." "There's nothing left for me here." (No shit.) Then she started crying and screaming that Andy obviously wanted fake chicks with blond hair and fake boobs. When the other rejected girls finally made it outside to the Island of Misfit Reality Stars, Lindsay went from sad to angry, screaming: "And you know what? Truth be told, he’s short, and his head is big, and his teeth look fake." Girl may be ugly but she isn't stupid.