Monday, November 28, 2005

Queer Eye for the NFL?

I'm confused. Is the whole world just a bunch of cappuccino-drinking queens these days? I really don't know how else to explain this one.

We had football on in the newsroom at work on Thanksgiving and the camera kept zooming in on a player who looked like he'd just stepped out of the documentary "Gay Sex in the 1970s." A bit of quick research revealed that the hunky guy in question was Denver Broncos quarterback Jake Plummer, a fellow Sun Devil who is better known as "Jake the Snake."

Now football is supposed to be the ultimate "man's man" sport, yet this cursory Google search of Plummer's name revealed that there are currently hundreds of sports columns, blogs and message boards strictly devoted to debating the merits of Plummer's mustache — called a "pornstache" by his legion of fans.

There is even an enormously popular online petition signed by more than 5,000 fans that was started after Jake shaved off his Magnum P.I. souvenir recently. The comments were made nearly all by men and included these testosterone-challenged classics:

"Your 'stache brings inspiration to the masses. Grow it back, for the greater good"; "He's a shell of a man without it!"; "Heartbroken without the Plummer 'stache"; "with the mustache the broncos would have won 60-3"; "Bring back the porn stash!"; "What the world needs now is a sweet, sweet 'stache"; "Jake The Snake, you already have the stage name, so keep the stache"'; "what were you thinking, man??? it worked"; "I don't believe we should live in a world where Jake Plummer exists without a mustache"; "I don't care for the Broncos or Jake. But that 'stach ruled"; "Jake you are my Fantasy QB. Whatever it takes man, whatever it takes!"

(The power of the people was apparently felt: Jake was Colt Studio-ready by Thanksgiving's game against the Dallas Cowboys, and the 'stache delivered a big win.)

So what is up with all of these "macho" football fans? Are they all a bunch of mustache-loving Castro daddies? Have the metrosexuals really taken over the NFL fan base to the point that the quarterback's grooming habits are a real concern? Or is the straight world really just that amused by a grown man's fuzzy lip? (As my mom would say: I don't get it.)

Who really knows, but one thing is for sure: Freddie Mercury is somewhere out there just tickled pink.

Related: Queer Eye for the NFL 2


Anonymous said...

At our Thanksgiving festivities, someone mentioned that Jake looked like Ben Stiller in "Dodgeball"... the 'stache really has got to go, but apparently the 70s seem to be making a comeback. Comeback? Jake, the mustache... I don't need to see that!

Anonymous said...

Stache or no Stache, Jake is one hot MF. God the things I would let that stache do to me.