Sizing Up Suburban Detroit

Thrillist asks: Does your Detroit suburb suck?

Madison Heights (my hometown)
All of the remaining decent Asian restaurants in the Tri-County area, and also a Sonic. That's your claim to fame, Mad Heights: a Sonic. Editor's note: turns out that Sonic is just across the street in Troy! Whoops. Also, ouch Mad Heights. Ouch.

My note: While it's also true that the Ram's Horn is technically across Dequindre in Warren, Thrillist stupidly neglected to mention Green Lantern pizza, which most certainly is in Madison Heights, as is The Telway. (Madison Heights' even-lower-income cousin, Hazel Park, didn't get credit for Brayz, either. Total bullshit.)

Royal Oak (my birthplace)
Royal Oak is the most bro-tastic of all the Metro Detroit suburbs. Which begs the question: how did it get that way? Once upon a time, Royal Oak was all mopey goths chain-smoking at the Coffee Beanery and Hare Krishnas giving out free books on the corner. What happened? Were they beckoned? Is there some sort of dude-bro signal that went out that, much like a dog whistle, only dude-bros could sense? We may never get answers to these questions. What we CAN get, however, is a lifetime-supply of Ed Hardy shirts.

My note: One of the town's funnest gay bars is still there (Pronto) as is a cute "gay" soda fountain and card/bookstore (Five15). What do you expect? It's Michigan!

Ferndale (where my parents started out after stints in Washington, D.C., Omaha and Pottsville, Pa.)
The only suburb outside of Detroit city limits that's "cool" to move to, that all of your judgey Detroit friends with their Midtown lofts and Corktown bartending jobs can agree is an acceptable -- nay, THE acceptable -- substitute for actually living IN the city. That said, there's a sacrifice people make by leaving Detroit's keep-it-realness for the fabulousness of Ferndale: the kind of tedious, self-important hipsterdom that comes with having money and approaching middle age but still trying to cling to that grittiness of one's youthful days in Detroit. In other words, you'll find an abundance of increasingly out of touch, "get off my organically fertilized lawn-slash-urban garden" types with elaborate facial hair and wool caps. Also, young mothers in flowery dresses who raise chickens in their backyards, sell handmade stationary on Etsy, and think it's totally okay to push through Imperial at 10pm on a Friday night with their baby strollers.

Read on HERE.