Couldn't help but overhear some VERY LOUD guy at a restaurant last night GOING OFF about how much he hates the "It Gets Better" project et al., saying the thing he "HATED MOST" growing up was when someone would try to tell him that -- and how it just made him feel a lot worse. Thoughts?Wednesday, October 26, 2011
It Gets Louder
Couldn't help but overhear some VERY LOUD guy at a restaurant last night GOING OFF about how much he hates the "It Gets Better" project et al., saying the thing he "HATED MOST" growing up was when someone would try to tell him that -- and how it just made him feel a lot worse. Thoughts?
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I always had people tell me, “These are the best years of your life you should enjoy them more.” I was miserable and thought, “Oh, God! It gets worse after this? If these are the best years of my life, I should quit now.” I really think that’s the point of the whole “It gets better movement.” For those who are picked on and miserable in their younger years, it does get better. For the assholes who tormented us—it does get worse. You no longer have that freedom to be such a dick.
This is something that I have considered, and have discussed with friends.
On the one hand, I get the point. I can see how telling someone at age 12 that "it gets better" when they are, say, 22 seems like an eternity away.
On the other hand, my question for the person saying it would be, "What do you suggest doing instead?"
We have kids killing themselves, depressed, alone. Do we just ignore them and say nothing? Or do we say SOMETHING and hope that it reaches at least a few?
More than that, I have heard of and heard from teens who said it made a world of difference to them. They said that it helped them to see that others had experienced the same thing and came through to the other side.
So will it help everyone? Of course not. Can it help some? Most likely. Does that make it worth it?
I'll leave the last question to you.
I agree with August. Hearing "these are the best years of your life!" from well-intentioned people was horrifying. I wish someone had told me that junior high and high school are awful, and that someday I'd be able to look back on them and see how much better things got.
That said, I do think the random restaurant guy has a point. Just letting kids know that it gets better isn't enough. That statement needs to be followed by actual support. And I think the It Gets Better videos do a good job of telling you how it gets better.
I don't know if it does get better for anyone. For years, I worked with gay men who had attempted suicide. Not teens - these were adult men living in a gay-majority community. Not one cited straight people or homophobia as the source of their pain. The cause? Other gay people. The problem is particularly pronounced among gay men of color; the community really spits on them. But there are issues affecting all men: one attractive blond man who'd been beautiful in his twenties repeatedly attempted suicide as he entered his thirties and began to age. It doesn't help that most gay role models are a bit short of substance - I feel that being fabulous, for many gay men, means being full of idle banter and a general bitchiness. My advice for gay teens in middle America: there's nothing wrong with you, but depending on your environment it might be wiser to stay in the closet. Lay low, and focus on your studies and extracurriculars. Cultivate yourself, get tougher, and now that being gay is just one part of who you are. That ensures that it WILL get better.
I frequently find myself wondering whether the It Gets Better Project is a good or a bad thing. Of course, it is trying to do something positive, and I would never opine that it has no value. Nor do I have an alternative to suggest. But, for some reason I do sometimes find myself feeling angry. I'm almost 50 and I wonder WHEN is it going to get better? And HOW?
Even though I have been living out for many many years and survived through the onslaught of the HIV/AIDS epidemic in the early 80's - It still sometimes feels horrible for me. I find myself wondering if I would have been more successful or happier if I hadn't had to devote so much energy to dealing with my own internalized homophobia etc. and the effect of pretending to be someone else to survive in the World. I used to think that it WOULD be better in a post Will and Grace... Lady Gaga world.
Here in Canada, we have ALL of the legal rights that heterosexuals have (and have had for quite some time now) and yet a Canadian 15 year old recently committed suicide because he was being bullied.
What really scares me is that kids are still being taught to hate. Various churches (I don't want to go off on a rant about the Pope) and political groups (don't get me started on the U.S. Republican Party)are still empowered to preach homophobia from the pulpit and the stump.
And just being a witness to the fight sometimes hurts and rips me open all over again - i.e. having to listen to the homophobes spew their nonsense during the debates over DADT or same sex marriage. And it hurts me more because they are allowed to... and I don't have an answer for any of it.
"It Gets Better" started on a simple premise: too many gay kids had lost all hope of life ever getting better ... and then killing themselves.
"it Gets Better" is a simple message directed - from many people who once lived through the same kind of hell to find life did indeed get better - to those kids who see no light at the end of the tunnel.
It is a message to provide hope those who have lost it, helping them to hang on.
My response to the loud mouth at the restaurant is: obviously, things have never been so bad for you that you committed suicide ...
so buddy, 1) maybe the message isn't meant for you, and 2) so what is your plan? Tell these kids to go ahead and off themselves, so it only gets worse?
Fuck him.
The promise of a GLBT group on my (impending) college campus was one of the things I looked forward to as a senior in high school. It was a sign that things would get much, much better. Other things to look forward to: non-discrimination policies on nearly all college campuses, the ability to choose where you'll go to school, a better dating scene, fewer mouthbreathers in college, etc. We need to point to these specifics when we tell kids it gets better. We should also give them strategies for making their present better, too.
I get it, you want to keep kids from killing themselves and surely it has saved some. But It Gets Better is a lot like telling kids to believe in Santa. It doesn't get better for everyone, and the bullying can change from physical abuse to something more subtle but just as hard to deal with (ask anyone who has been fired for being gay, but can't prove it). That dude in the restaurant should keep it to himself, but don't condemn everyone who doesn't agree with the it gets better message.
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