Monday, February 07, 2011

Charles (Not) in Charge

Here is the third and final installment of my CliffsNotes of "Confessions of a Gay Anchorman," Charles Perez's self-published, take-no-prisoners memoir. (Read Part 1 HERE and Part 2 HERE.) When last we left the handsome news reader, he had just ripped all of his coworkers at WABC in New York new assholes, then had some issues with his own. After finding true, uh, "love" on Yahoo Personals, he wasn't sure what to make of that special feeling he had gotten after having his heiny visited by a stranger. Today, KIT212 reader Christopher brings us the latest, as Charles tries to put New York behind him, and make a new life for himself in Miami.

Christopher reports:

OH LAWD! Benito (which isn't his real name if you look up the legal documents in this CRISIS) is causing all kinds of problems at Charles' Miami condo. The condo manager tells Charles, that Benito is no longer allowed on the premises because he is a THUG! Charles keeps DRINKIN and SMOKIN because he doesn't know what to do. He gets even more BLOATED in the process and makeup has to do miracles to fix him. Benito's mother dies in his homeland and while he is away Charles gets him his own apartment that Charles pays for. Meanwhile, Charles meets Keith and falls madly in love. Benito comes back and is PISSED. So, to make a long story short, he leaks an e-mail that Charles sent to his psychiatrist (because everyone e-mails their psychiatrist in regard to intimate things) that includes Charles questioning his GENDER. Oh yes, Charles might think he's really a woman because he's been getting plowed by Benito's big black cock and has LOVED every minute of it. Because of Charles' Latino upbringing he cannot understand how a man can get fucked up the ass and still be manly. He claims he tried to be EXTREMELY masculine all his life (has he watched his show? Girl, please!!).

Anyway, the e-mail is sent to EVERYONE in Charles' e-mail list, family, friends, and his employer in Miami. A gossip columnist gets wind of it and more things are leaked including that Charles is into drugs and FREAKY FETISH SEX. Charles doesn't really say much about this being untrue (I happen to believe it). Meanwhile, Charles is DRUNK. The station demotes him to weekends. Charles thinks it's because he's gay. The station says it's because his "review was poor." In his review it stated that watching him is like "watching girl talk." Charles is pissed and files a lawsuit.

He is then FIRED. HE DRINKS A LOT. He gets over it and forgives Benito (because I secretly think he misses his big black cock). Charles marries Keith and adopts a child. Charles then says he no longer "needs" alcohol but doesn't mention he went to rehab or anything (by his current BLOATED look, I think he's still on the sauce).

He also says that he's fine being a man who likes men (he no longer questions if he's really a big girl hungry for cock). He closes the book with lectures on how the news is awful (I agree with some of his points. He makes a good example of CNN using its news crawl to announce that "Beyonce no longer wants to be called 'bootylicious'").

He then goes on to lecture about gay rights and how Anderson and Shepard, and David, and all queens in the news MUST come out (even though he was mad when they did it to him). He's now a rebel and will "never be silenced again."

That was it. Go Charles .... get a drink.


Unknown said...

These three entries deserve an award of some sort! Frothy yet biting and witty! I enjoyed every second of the reading!

christopher said...

Dear xywonder. I'm very glad you enjoyed my first venture into trash talk blogging. I hope to be able to be a guest on Kenneth's blog in the future!

Do you have a big dick?