Friday, February 04, 2011

CliffsNotes: 'Confessions of a Gay Anchorman' by Charles Perez (Part 2)

When last we checked in on Charles Perez's self-published tell-all, "Confessions of a Gay Anchorman," he wasn't too happy with Ricki Lake, Montel Williams, Geraldo Rivera, Lorna Luft ... or just about anyone else he'd ever come in contact with. Today, KIT212 reader Christopher brings us the latest, as Charles moves to the Big Apple in search of (bigger) fame and fortune.

Christopher writes:

So, I've been reading more (and fb friended Mr. Perez in the short time since my last report!) Charles hates everyone at Eyewitness News and ABC (except Sade Baderinwa because she's pretty and got hit by a car). He says everyone at WABC is FUCKIN' LAZY and he missed out on several "exclusives" because his lazy ass photographer would always be on a lunch break. When he said "but it's a scoop," the photographer said "it's da rules, i'm in da union and can't leave my lunch break." So he's all pissed off and rants on unions and then says he LOVES SAG and AFTRA. Anyways, he gets hired and has to get his ID badge, which is done at ABC (which obviously shares the building with WABC). He was amazed that everyone including Diane Sawyer and Peter Jennings sat for their ID like everyone else. Everyone, except for Miss Barbara Walters!!

According to Charles, Miss Walters demanded FULL lighting and make-up just to take her god damned ID picture. The ID photo guy was thrown out of the room and was replaced by Miss Walters' glam team. Her ID photo took 4 hours to do with lighting, hair, and make-up!

Charles then paints Diana Williams as a real cunt! On his first time at the anchor desk with her, he claims Miss Williams said moments before going on air "Weren't you in the news director's office earlier?" He said "yes." She replied "Well, obviously he's already having problems with you or he wouldn't have called you in." She then said "Good Evening, I'm Diana Williams..." This made Charles VERY upset and he started to DRINK again!

Mr. Perez says that Sam Champion is a very mean queen who is best buds with Diana. One time, Charles decided he wanted to make friends with Sam. He had gotten a tie that was pink and wasn't sure it was appropriate enough for the air (even though he got it at a very FINE department store in Columbus Circle). That bitch Sam said "I'd NEVER wear anything like that on TV." Poor Charles, abandoned the tie only to find Same WEARING IT when he came to set.

Now on to Liz Cho. According to our hero, this is one lazy bitch. Liz and Sam both LOVED lunch hour (or hours as they would leave the moment the 6PM broadcast was over and not return until well after 10 with very little time to prepare for the 11PM newscast). Liz and Sam would go dining and then go on shopping sprees for designer shoes. They would arrive to the studio with bags of things they bought while the less important people actually wrote copy and put the broadcast together. He stresses that Sam is NOT a real weatherman. He just READS the AccuWeather fax. During a lead-in to the weather report, the monitors crashed. Because Charles knows EVERYTHING about the news, including meteorology, he asked a weather related question to Sam that could have easily been answered. Sam did not have the answer and looked like an ass on live TV. Once they went to commercial, Sam supposedly ATTACKED Charles with a "FUCK YOU" rant that would make people seek help from a priest. Sam complained to the general manager. Charles was brought into the director's office and told to NEVER mess with Sam as Sam is the reason that WABC exists!! Finally Sam got over it and agreed to appear on set with Charles again.

Bill Ritter is a mean old bastard too!! According to Charles, Bill went to The Daily News and told the paper that he was an "enormous flop" to discredit him and to have him dismissed. However, Charles was already on his way to Miami because he hated these lazy mean girls in NYC. Oh, and he kept DRINKING ... a lot. Before leaving, he saw Sam Champion coming out of work dressed in VERY tight jeans and a top that exposed his abs! It seems Sam was on the hunt for MR. RIGHT NOW and was going out to the club to find one. Of course, Charles has no proof that Sam is a big whore, he just makes the reader have a hint that it could be possible. Charles would NEVER be such a ho and does not attend the seedy clubs with Sam.

Before going to Miami, Charles decides that he will find a date through Yahoo Personals (like all classy people do). So he meets a black Costa Rican of Jamaican heritage named Benito. Benito lives in Harlem. He doesn't wear a shirt when cooking dinner (which Charles found strange!) Benito has a 17-year-old who is incarcerated at Rikers Island for drugs and other scary things. Charles goes against his judgment and decides to make out with Benito. Benito forces Charles down on the bed and darts his big tongue in and out of Charles' mouth. Charles tries to push him away but doesn't really want to. Benito tears at Charles' crotch and FORCES himself into Charles. Charles bottoms for the first time (and with NO CONDOM).

Charles, not in charge

Charles then has an identity crisis because he always thought bottoms were "girly." He feels like he's a "real man" and doesn't know what to do with this new feeling of being plowed like a big girl!! He likes it and wants more and more and more of Benito's big cock! But, he keeps DRINKING. He takes Benito to Miami with him. Benito causes some real heavy shit when they get to Miami!

Check back Monday for the latest ...

7 comments:

NATHANIEL R said...

my god this book sounds trashy!

Anonymous said...

This is the best article I've read on any blog anywhere in like five years. I love the breezy cliffnotes.

martymartymarty said...

I love the Sam Champion bits! I had a hunch from the hearty FAKE laugh of Sam's that he could go from zero-to-bitch in a matter of milliseconds ... This book sounds fantastic! LOL

swine said...

Charles' description of himself sounds like total BS. Who knows if what he's sayin' bout Montel, Sam, Diana, Bill & the others is even remotely true, but it is kinda delicious. Thanks so much for the fill in! Please give us more of Chuckie's dirt . . .

Christopher said...

to Anonymous: I love you. Please come and make love to me.

Thank you all for reading and thank you Kenneth for giving me the chance to show just how wicked I am.

KevMusic said...

This book sounds absolutely revolting! Where can I get a copy?

Christopher said...

@KevMusic: At any public rest stop.

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