Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Control Issues

So we moved into our glamorous new office building at work last month. I've been holding back saying anything negative because it is a very nice place -- and it's certainly better than the grime-covered cave we used to call home. But I've gotta be honest here: the new digs have some serious "control" issues.

First of all: I don't need a sink telling me when the water should flow and when it should stop. Maybe my hands aren't directly in line with your high-tech sensor because I'm washing them with soap. I think I'm old enough to know how much water I need to get the job done. Ditto for the self-flushing toilets. I don't need some smart-aleck urinal making a mockery of my weak urine flow by flushing before I'm really done (give me a second, for god's sake). You think that's saving water? Then we get into the newsroom. Motion-detector lights? If you're working the late shift by yourself unless you flap your arms around every so often the place goes pitch black. (Whose energy is that supposed to be saving?) When you are walking down a hall the lights come on after you've entered the area. Isn't the whole point of having a light on so that you can see where you're going before you get there? And then there's the window shades that decide for themselves when they want to go up and come down. Aren't I in a better position to decide if there's a glare on my monitor than you are? Oh -- the desk drawers are know-it-alls, too. They have decided that only one can be opened at a time. Even though they're incorporated into the desk top so there's no chance that they could tip, god forbid that one of them is even a millimeter open, forget it. Nothing else is opening until it's glued shut.

And lastly, who is the sadist that designed these chairs? Just a glance at the brochure photo and you can quickly see something is amiss. I know the company paid a lot of money for them, but are we sure they weren't designed for child labor? How on god's green earth could a seat that is permanently jutting up and a back that is leaning forward be considered ergonomically correct? Despite the presence of 900 different levers and knobs the seatback cannot be adjusted under any circumstances so that it's not slanting forward. You can adjust it so it allows you to be able to lean back, but when you move, it moves -- almost folding you inside of it. It's expecting your body weight to be pushing back at all times in one continuous (and exhausting) crunch motion (didn't I see this a few years ago on an infomercial for the Ab Lounge once?). This is not how real people sit.
I realize the chair works fine if you're always sitting in a prim and proper position, but shoot me -- I'm a sloucher. And sometimes I like to sit with my legs crossed and sometimes I like to sit on my foot. (Don't look at me that way, chair -- I can sit anyway I want. Stop telling me how to live my life!) The second you don't have your entire upper body perfectly erect and leaning against the chairback there's this horrible bar in the middle slamming into your back. By the end of the night my entire neck and back are killing me. I've taken to stealing one of the normal chairs (you know, with a flat seat and a straight back???) from a conference room to avoid the constant pain and suffering of sitting in this torture contraption.

Bottom line: "The Jetsons" may look cool on television, but sometimes just the basics will do. We don't need machines to constantly tell us how to do things. That's what our brains are for.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

Nice gratuitous beefcake. Happy birthday. And I slouch, too, except I mean REAL BAD. I sit so low only my upper chest and head are visible. It's bad. I should use your ergo chair for a couple of years just to correct that. But it in no way looks natural. I think they sit on milk crates at the Post.

Anonymous said...

"I don't need some smart-aleck urinal making a mockery of my weak urine flow by flushing before I'm really done."

lmfao!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I'm guessing the photo is supposed to be for laughts but u look hot man!

Jim Hopkins said...

Yikes! I'm on the verge of buying that chair. Is it really that bad? And give Pinch a big shout-out for me when you see if strolling through your new newsroom.

Anonymous said...

You are really gorgeous :-)
I'm an italian boy.. from the north of Italy precisely..

have a nice day,

Anonymous said...

as someone who works a few feet away from dear ken, in the very same building, i gotta say: JEEZ, what a whiner!

leave it to the guy with killer abs (thanks for reminding the rest of us what fat slobs we are, by the way. hello! there's a popeye's right across the street! i CANNOT deal with this kinda pressure, okay?!) to complain about a chair that might actually make those abs even MORE wash-boardy. not to mention improving his posture by making him sit up straight! (i've got my hand on my hip like your old, southern black granny)

i have NO problem with the restrooms. they are as sterile as the rest of this building (the way a restroom SHOULD be!). okay, the automatic faucets are kinda annoying. but after i take my 45-minute showers at home (i'm VERY thorough), i can come to work and wash my hands all O.C.D.-like with a clear conscience, knowing that i'm doing my part to conserve water.

if you REALLY want to complain about something, how about the fact that we're forced to work in an unfinished building, teeming with construction workers... and not ONE of them (so far) is a hottie!? isn't there a union representative we can call or something? i'm still holding out hope that one of the digital kids on the other side of the floor (why the hell do THEY get to see the fabulous sunset every damn night, by the way???) turns out to be the times' version of "McSteamy."

Matt said...

Okay, this really made me laugh. I work for an architecture firm that designed it's new headquarters and moved their last year. It has the motion-sensitive conference room lights, the automatic window blinds, waterless urinals (don't ask, I don't know), those damn sensor-activated bathroom sinks, and red light/green light systems that tells you when it's "okay" to open the windows. Cool on paper, smie-practical at best in practice. Of course, it still remains to be proven if all of this has any positive effect or not ...

Matt said...

*semi-practical*

Anonymous said...

Did you photoshop someone elses body on your head, or is that a picture from 15 years ago? If the answer to either of those questions is no, then you are hitting the gym pretty hard or you are a liar or I hate you.

Great post. We are going to see more and more of this crap as the whole world goes green. I am in China right now and they are trying hard to implement some of this stuff in the hotels. Very annoying....

Marc said...

I guess it's true, everyone is a critic ... and everyone thinks they're an interior designer and coulda woulda specified something better. Bah.

Is it company policy to slouch around the office with your shirt off? Secondly, do all the guys do this and are they as delectable as you? With that said, where do you work again? I'm looking for a new gig ... and a Life chair would be a huge step up from the "ergonomic" Allsteel Reach chair I have been forced to endure at my current place of employment.

Anonymous said...

YOU ARE SPOT ON ABOUT NAZI DESIGNS AND DESIGNERS.

Anonymous said...

Are you sure the seat of the chair isn't pushed too far towards the back? There should be a lever under the front of the seat that lets you slide it out to a more slouchable position.

Kenneth M. Walsh said...

I'm sure. The "ergonomics guy" even met with me!!!