Losing My Cool

It's no secret that I hate change. But after having lived in New York my first few years with an air conditioner that didn't work very well, I was thrilled when I "went out on a limb" and got a new one and it actually improved my life. That new Frigidaire was a beauty -- and it did everything I wanted it to. And with a hearty 12,000 BTUs under the hood, it kept my whole place very cool. Plus it had a thermostat and timer, so I never had to come home to a hot, sticky apartment again. So when it suddenly stopped working earlier this month, I was very anxious about my prospects. I loved my air conditioner -- and I didn't want to change it. Everything was just perfect (well, other than its no longer working). But my AC was a couple of years old now and I hadn't bought the extended warranty, so even getting someone to look at it -- let alone fix it -- was looking very cost-inefficient.

Then when it turned out the repair people couldn't even come to look at it for nearly three weeks (if you've ever seen "The Seven Year Itch" then you know why this just won't do), I reluctantly decided to just go ahead and buy a new one. I also decided to pay to not only have the new one delivered, but also to have the dead one hauled away. (When you live in a third-floor walkup, these issues are far more traumatizing than the expense of buying a new AC.)

I went back to where I'd bought my "baby" and purchased what appeared to be the updated version of the Frigidaire model I had come to love. My Frigidaire love affair quickly ended when the "new and improved" model showed up.

My old one had a High, Medium and Low setting. Doesn't every air conditioner? No -- not this one. It has "99 custom settings" instead -- meaning you can adjust the "fan speed" by one fraction of an amount all the way from 1 to 99. WTF? What kind of engineering idiot came up with this idea? What difference does it make if it's on 24 vs. 27? Or 95 vs. 98? How about 99, 49 and 1? (You might even call this High, Medium and Low.) Sure, you can do it -- if you don't mind sitting there and manually clicking 50-100 times! (Could it be that Lindsay Wagner's Sleep Number Bed has clouded the engineering world's judgment beyond reason?)

Even worse, my old unit had a large, easy-to-read display (ON/OFF, High/Medium/Low, Timer, Temperature) right near the top. It was perfect. While it came with a remote control, I promptly tossed it in the trash. I already have about six remotes in my living room, so the last thing I wanted was another one. Besides, the idea of a remote control for the AC in my tiny apartment just seemed silly. The new one? Well -- you HAVE to use the remote. Why, you ask? The display is so microscopic and so low on the unit that it's virtually impossible (not to mention painful) to use it. (Never mind the fact that the strange icons used to depict various functions lead me to believe that this thing doubles as a bread maker.)

It's been a week now and I have absolutely no control over this thing. It turns on when it likes, it turns off when it likes. It blasts air nonstop for hours if it likes. It goes dormant for hours if it likes. I'd like nothing better for it to die so I could try again with a new unit. Will I have such good luck? Doubtful. This time I bought the four-year extended warranty, so there's no reason why this thing shouldn't be making my life a living hell until the next decade begins ...