The Stupid Card

I thought the first episode of FX's race-swapping reality show "Black.White." was hard to watch. Episode 2 was even worse. But it did change my opinion of the whole thing. For me, this experiment no longer seems to be about race at all. It's about something far more rudimentary: intelligence and ignorance. Get ready to toss your politically (in)correct darts at me, but from what I've seen -- and as casting would have it -- the white family appears to reasonably intelligent and open-minded and the black family seems to be more than a tad bit ignorant and completely unwilling to fully take part in the project. (Back off: It could have just as easily been the other way around and wouldn't we whities have preferred it that way?) I'd love to hear from people who think I've got this backwards but this conclusion seems to be the only thing black and white here.

When things reached a tense standstill last night, Rose (the white daughter) said that the situation had become a "microcosm" of real life. How I don't want to believe this -- and I don't.

Roll the tape:

When Carmen is made to "talk black" by a dialect coach (that's what they were all calling it, not Carmen's words, and Rene calls it "talking black" and "talking white" too) Carmen had to read off a list of words and one of them was "bitch." She was to use it in a sentence with her "black voice" so she says something playful like, "Hey, what's up, bitch?" That nearly ends it for Rene. She's soooo offended by this. How dare Carmen "call her out" like that! (What????)

Brian thinks Bruno is a racist because he asks other white people if they think negatively of blacks. (Deliberately starting a charged dialogue about race -- the very point of this entire project -- proves to Brian that Bruno must have these thoughts in his head at all times or else he wouldn't be able to think of them so quickly.) (Huh?) Brian can't believe how "forward" Bruno is about asking people questions, either. (OK, he is.) Ten seconds later, though, Rene is in the "white" bar and asks a perfect stranger 50 personal questions about his feelings on race issues and Brian has no problem with this -- and then applauds her for finding out the truth about the white people. (What????)

Rene takes Carmen shopping for an outfit for church and when Carmen sees a dashiki that she likes, Rene encourages her to buy one for her and one for Bruno. The minute they get home Rene finds that hubby Brian doesn't approve ("Why don't they just dress like Aunt Jemima on the syrup bottle? He can dress like Uncle Ben") so Rene immediately flip-flops and starts mocking Carmen and Bruno behind their back (what???). (Oh, and unlike Rose, son Nick follows his parents' lead on everything and has no opinion of his own. The future looks bleak for this kid if he doesn't get out of that house soon.) Brian sums up the wardrobe pick this way: "If that's their impression of blacks, then that's, that's garbage." (They're trying to experience something new and your wife encouraged them to do this!)

When Bruno and Carmen enjoy their experience at the black church they attend and join the singing and dancing, Brian and Rene sit there with a sour/disapproving look the whole time. Later, Brian mocks them and says "I do think they went overboard" (what???).

Rene cannot believe that Carmen would compliment one of the young women from the poetry group by calling the girl a "beautiful black creature." ("Carmen always has to go there -- has to get one last insult in.") Rene is so fucking ignorant she doesn't realize that "creature" doesn't mean you're calling someone an animal ("Thank you, George Barris, for letting us see this beautiful creature as, for so short a time, she was." -- This is a review of a book about Marilyn FUCKING Monroe you moron!). So because Rene's vocabulary is weak that makes Carmen a racist? (What???)

This went on nonstop for an hour. There wasn't a single thing that Carmen and Bruno said or did that Rene and Brian didn't have a problem with. Carmen and Bruno are far from perfect, but they're there trying to learn something and for that they should be commended. Meantime, the Sparkses appear to be making no effort to experience walking in Carmen and Bruno's shoes (try being white in a restaurant or store or anywhere, Brian: it doesn't guarantee good service -- trust me). The Sparkses are so certain that it's a bigger leap to go from white to black than from black to white ("we have to assimilate everyday") that it seems like they don't even want to participate in the project beyond belittling the other family. (Why are you even on this show?) And then when Carmen and Bruno don't experience what Brian and Rene are expecting them to, then they're not "doing it right."

I really don't want to believe that this is a true representation of the state of racial affairs. I have never seen anything like this in real life. Could my having lived my entire adult life in cosmopolitan areas surrounded by overachieving types of all backgrounds be coloring my judgment? Absolutely. But I'm convinced if you were to put me and Michael -- both of reasonable intelligence -- into a house with two unintelligent people of any race, you'd have many of the same problems -- namely a huge communication gap.

I'm renaming this show with a more accurate title: "Reasonably Intelligent. Partially Retarded."