Wall Street 'Journal'

I have only been casually paying attention to the Occupy Wall Street protests going on -- I've had my hands full with a fruitless Facebook argument with two cousins who still "believe" the downfall of America is the fact that "nearly 50 percent of Americans" don't pay federal income taxes. (Never mind the fact that most of them are families who make less than $30,000 who do pay state and local income taxes, plus sales and property taxes -- poor people get all the breaks!). It was only when I saw THIS report on The Daily Show did I realize how ridiculous things had become downtown -- surprise -- as some think expressing outrage at corrupt banks (that we "had" to bail out or else the economy would get even worse) is somehow un-American, while expressing outrage at the U.S. government for bailing out corrupt banks is as patriotic as red, white and blue toilet paper.

Luckily for me, my friend and intrepid reporter Marc decided to leave his country "estate" in declasse Newburgh to check things out for himself: "A sunny, crisp fall day in N.Y. Picking apples? Chopping wood? No. Heading DOWN to OCCUPY WALL STREET big rally at 5!" was the text I received yesterday, to which I replied: "Write me a guest post!" And he did. Marc writes:

Dear Kenneth in the 212:

Thank you for this opportunity to compose a blog post for your soft-pornography site, Kennethinthe212.com, regarding today’s Occupy Wall Street protest in downtown Manhattan.

The events I witnessed today spoke eloquently of the rape and slaughter of America’s working class by corporate overlords who have strangled the working class, while turning this once-great democracy into a destitute, plutocratic banana republic.

(Yes, Kenneth, the son of a Cuban immigrant just referred to your homeland as a “banana republic.” Wow … that has to hurt. Want some aloe for that burn, white boy?)

In light of these revelations, attached you will find one (1) copy of my contract for services at my new standard billing rate of $200/hour plus $5.00/word, i.e., ain't nothin' free no more, mutha-fucka. I’ve also attached an agreement for comprehensive medical insurance that, of course, includes gender reassignment surgery and 12 total-body makeover sessions/year.

And because I was assigned to a cocktail-free rally (I know -- what the hell were they thinking?) filled with normal people where the hot-guy ratio was maybe 1:20, I’ll need hazardous-duty wages, too.

(OK, there was that handsome young Marine veteran protesting the Iraqi war. Filthy hot. But still, 1:20? Perhaps we should talk to the protest manager about their media messaging.)

As always, Kenneth, I hunger for your reply. Yours in editorial excellence regardless of cost,

ML

P.S. For references, please contact Arianna Huffington. The bitch owes me.

(Ha! Who knew "I" was The Man? -- Kenneth)