Page 1 Consider (05/09)

Total Jerkoff: Jesus, Rodrigo. Just because your "Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency" costar J.P. Calderon wouldn't go on a second date with you doesn't mean you have to go running back to your old life of porn. (Mr. Nightlife)

Poehlerizing: Celebs gathered last night at the Time Warner Center in Manhattan for the Time 100 Gala. Mariah Carey and that guy cut their publicity stunt honeymoon short so Mimi could try to hawk her new CD to the 100 most influential people around. And, of course, Amy Poehler was there. Love her and all that, but wasn't life she a lot more fun in small doses? (Gawker)

Class Act: Yet another "family values" congressman with ties to President Bush has found himself in a not-so-family-friendly-way. Rep. Vito Fossella of New York, married with three kids (here), was arrested and charged with DWI (cops said he lips were stained with red wine and the Daily News quickly dubbed him Vino!) and in the process, it came out that he was visiting a girlfriend down in DC -- with whom he has a 3-year-old illegitimate daughter. (Sorry, Honey!) His wife is said to be taking the news hard. The tabloids, on the other hand, are not. (NYP)

Selfish & Perverse: Bad news from New Jersey. The self-absorbed former governor Jim McGreevey and his self-absorbed soon-to-be-ex wife Dina Matos have reached a settlement over custody of their daughter. (Thanks for nothing.) At this rate there's liable to be no mudslinging trial at all. (NYDN)

Closing Arguments: As much as it pains me to admit, I think Star Jones really put Barbara Walters in her place -- and she did it with grace and dignity, qualities the last confederate journalist is greatly lacking these days. (AP)

Makin' Whoopi: The host for the 62nd Annual Tony Awards will be Whoopi Goldberg. (Reuters)

The Boy Wonder: Who wants some more Kerry Degman? I do! I do! (OhLaLaMag)