A straight friend showed this Washington Post story to me -- about a horrifying domestic dispute where one man stabbed and slashed the other to death -- and said she thought it was odd that they would call the victim a "lover."
"If this had been a woman, wouldn't the headline have said 'Man charged in girlfriend's stabbing death'?" she asked. "Why not call him his boyfriend?"
Not trying to overanalyze this, but I tend to agree -- especially given the historic use of the term "lover" in the gay community, which was used as a husband/wife substitute before that was ever considered a possibility, and pre-dated "partner," an ambiguous term I've always hated. These men did not live together and sound more like "boyfriends" than "partners" (no Mia and Woody Kenneth and Michael jokes, please), so wouldn't be "lovers" other than in the literal sense. (Aren't all opposite couples presumably "lovers," too?)
What do you think? Is calling someone a "lover" inserting (huh-huh) an unnecessary "sexed up" term into a a gay-on-gay crime -- or is it fine with you?
This happens to women, too ...
6 comments:
Don't you think it buys into the conservative idea that gays can't love - it's only sex? WaPo is a conservative paper, although lots of papers fall into that trap.
It also could be that the editors stopped evolving with the gay community in the 1970s and honestly don't know what the acceptable term is now.
It's certainly fodder for a discussion with a newspaper's editor.
Further proof that most straight people are clueless about gay relationships.
I agree with you, Kenneth. "Lover" sounds like it's all about the sex (although, sometimes it IS!) We do need a word, though..."partner" sounds like a business arrangement (although that's the term my partner and I of 20 years use, for lack of anything better because we can't marry in our state); "significant other" is just too cumbersome. "Boyfriend" - ? Give me a break, I'm in my 50s!
I hate the word "lover" -- which I always say in my head in an exaggerated dramatic voice as "luuv-uh" -- whether for gays or straights. They should use the term I used when I was a kinda slutty college student: fuckpig.
(In all seriousness..., if adult romantic partners are still being called "girlfriend" and "boyfriend" -- which I guess they are, and I can't think of a better alternative, since "partner" sounds like business and "companion" sounds like a pet -- then it should be across the board, no matter the sex of the people involved.)
You often call Michael your lover and I always cringe. I would hope he's much more than your lover. It's not a word that should be used to describe any relationship other than a fuck-buddy. And now that we have fuck-buddy, lover should disappear altogether.
@Donny (and @Erin) --
I agree.
As for the other thing, I do call Michael my "lover," but it's an inside joke between us. When I met him, he still used the term, a byproduct of his having all older friends when he came out many years ago. I thought it was hilarious and kinda gross, so I kept using it -- (pronouncing it the Erin way, "luuv-uh," of course -- and still do!
In his defense, the replacement -- partner -- is equally awful in my humble opinion. (What, are we in the business of making LOVE????!!!!)
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