Page 1 Consider (05/09)

Irish Eyes: Is Tom Brady the best-looking man ever? (TMZ)

Dirty Bologna: Researchers put the "5-second rule" to the test. (NYT)

Total Dix: You've meticulously plotted a terrorist attack on a major U.S. military base but you get caught because you took your "America's Funniest Jihadists" videotape to the local photomat to have it transferred to DVD??? (WP)

Dumb Ass Down: Actor Tom Sizemore, currently on probation for a prior drug conviction, was again arrested on Tuesday outside a California hotel for suspicion of possessing methamphetamine, a police official said. I thought being convicted of beating up Heidi Fleiss and then wearing an artificial penis filled with "good" urine to one of your drug tests was hitting rock bottom. But doing crystal meth in Bakersfield? That's rock bottom. (Reuters)

Lezzie v. Lezzie: Some good news out of the normally homophobic state of Virginia: That sanctimonious "ex" lesbian who is trying to keep her former partner from seeing their daughter has been shot down by the Virginia Supreme Court. (Source)

Butcher Blocked: Kudos to the owner of an upscale steakhouse in Lousiville, Ky., who had the balls to throw O.J. Simpson out. "I didn’t want to serve him because of my convictions of what he’s done to those families," Jeff Ruby explained. "The way he continues to torture the lives of those families ... with his behavior, attitude and conduct." (AP)

ABCs: The time of year a woman conceives may influence the future academic performance of her child, according to research reported this week at the Pediatric Academic Societies' annual meeting. If you were conceived May through August, you might wanna use the short bus. (Reuters)

Delta Dog: With the complete and utter stranglehold Paris, Lindsay and Nicole have on the media, it makes me smile to see that Tanya Tucker can even make the news -- even if it's because her manicurist is suing her over a dog attack. (AP)

No Clemency: When wasn't it fun to hate the Yankees? (WP)

Hollywood and Whine: I'm ashamed to admit it, but I can't stop watching that reality show "Sons of Hollywood." Why, you ask? Because I can't believe what fucking douche bags those guys are. It's like I have to keep watching it one more time to convince myself that what I saw was real. Rod Stewart's son Sean is by far the worst. He's a fucking no-talent whining piece of shit who never stops feeling sorry for himself. (The language he used in front of his mom the other night was beyond belief. Why she didn't backhand him is beyond me.) That Spelling kid is just a sad dork and the other guy who isn't even related to someone famous is an embarrassing tool. I love that the show's theme song is "The In Crowd" -- and clearly they think everyone who comes into contact with them envies them and wants to be them. What they don't realize is everybody is laughing at them. (TMZ)

A Foreign Affair: Legislation was introduced in Congress Tuesday that would allow Americans in a same-sex relationship to sponsor their "permanent partners" for legal residency in the United States, a right currently afforded only to opposite-sex couples under immigration law. The Uniting American Families Act was introduced in the House by my congressman, Rep. Jerrold Nadler (D-NY) and in the Senate by Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-Vt.). Nadler and Leahy are each chairs of the Judiciary Committee in their respective house. (Source)

What's in a Name? The California Assembly on Monday passed legislation that would give all married spouses and domestic partners, regardless of their gender, equal opportunity to change their family name when they marry or register as domestic partners. (Source)