Friday, February 01, 2013

The 50 Hottest NFL Players of All Time

With Superbowl Sunday upon us, I figured there was no better time to get this cut-throat game going. I'm sure I forgot someone -- I went to bed without including Eric Decker! -- so let me have it in the comments. And please remember: This is only MY opinion. This list isn't being compiled by a consensus of people at Out magazine or even Cosmo. I'm just sharing mine, based on the players I am vaguely aware of. Here we go:

1. Howie Long: This crush runs deep and long. From my days in Los Angeles carrying around a photo of the hunky Raiders defensive end, to his silly Radio Shack commercials with Teri Hatcher to his current assignment in the commentators booth, the man drives me absolutely wild. 

2. Eric Decker: I think I have let my feelings be known about the Broncos wide receiver. I mean, really: Shouldn't there be a law against this? We can only take so much.

3. Adam Vinatieri: Rarely do you learn much about a kicker (he plays for the Colts, formerly Patriots), but the second I saw his handsome mug, he became a top priority on my blog ... then I found out about the body.

4. Mike Alstott: If someone asked me to illustrate what sex looks like, I would refer them to photos of this former Tampa fullback. I mean honestly.

5. Heath Shuler: The whole Heath vs. Gus drama played out the entire time I was living in Washington. And while I never cared who was the starting quarterback, I was happy watching either on the field. It turned out Heath sucked even more than Gus, so he retired. Many years later, I thought it was cool when Heath surfaced and became a Democratic congressman, until I realized he was one of those bullshit Blue Dogs, which as far as I'm concerned is the same thing as a Republican.

6. Brady Quinn: He was a big fish in an Irish pond, and now he's not. But we'll always have the memory of these photos.

7. Danny Amendola: This Rams wide-out has one hot body.


8. David Carr: This QB has spent most of his career warming up benches (he does it for Eli Manning these days), but he never fails to get me hot and bothered. So you can imagine my delight when I ran into him at LAX!

9. Craig James: There are surprisingly few photos of the sexy running back from Texas. Luckily, he got better with age, and even though he's become a bit of an overprotective father as well as a Republican political candidate, he was as nice as he could be when I accosted his shirtlesss ass in Los Angeles a few years ago and asked for a photo. (FYI: Craig is Michael's Number 1!)

10. Tom Brady: What's most annoying about the Patriots QB is not only does he look like a quarterback from Central Casting, marry the world's most beautiful woman, and have the most beautiful children. He's also arguably the best to ever play the position.

11. Joey Harrington: Greatness wasn't in the cards for this former Lions QB. But he sure was nice to look at.

12. Kyle Boller: The former QB for the Ravens, Rams and Raiders may be living an embarrassing cliche -- he married that heinous Miss California named Carrie Prejean,who tried to spin her negative response to the Prop 8 question into a career -- but this cliche includes being the hunk quarterback every gay guy lusts after.

13. Steve Young: The Hall of Fame quarterback for the San Francisco 49ers is arguably less attractive than he was in his prime. But something about him in a suit and tie nowadays gets me more revved up than he ever did before.

14. Jesse Palmer: The former "Bachelor" has got all of the "football player from Central Casting" features that Tom Brady has, only he can't play. Who cares?

15.  Pat Tillman: The former Arizona State linebacker and Cardinals safety was as handsome and All-American as you can get. RIP.

16. Colt Brennan: The college standout's pro career went over like a sexual assault allegation. But we'll always have the memory of him looking ever so Bruce Weber perfect on the field ...

17/ Mark Sanchez: Make what you will of the fact that I initially forgot to put the Jets QB on the list. (There's always modeling, Mark.)

18. David Akers: Look for the former Eagles place kicker Sunday (he plays for the 49ers now). You know your competition is tough when you look like this and you're not the highest-ranked kicker on the list!

19.. Neil Lomax: In 1988, Phoenix got its first pro football team -- the Arizona Cardinals, as they were known then -- and the PR blitz was on. Above the copier in the newsroom where I was working was a huge poster of QB Neil Lomax, which made even the worst paper jam tolerable ...

20. Gus Frerotte: When all was said and done, this QB ended up playing for the Washington Redskins, Detroit Lions, Denver Broncos, Cincinnati Bengals, Miami Dolphins, Minnesota Vikings, and St. Louis Rams. But when I was living in D.C., his battle with Heath Shuler for the starting position was the sports equivalent of "Melrose Place."


21. Doug Flutie: For a little guy, he had a long career -- and even got a cereal named after himself. And the handsome do-gooder is still lookin' good at 50.

22. Jake Plummer: The former Arizona State and Denver Broncos QB was the object of my affection for many years early in my blog, for reasons that should be readily apparent.

23. Jeremy Bloom: The Olympic skier turned professional football player's second career didn't exactly amount to much. But the guy is a true Renaissance Man, whose third act in philanthropy may be his biggest success yet.

24. Clint Didier was a tight end for the Washington Redskins in the '80s. But it's his rugged "North Dallas Forty" looks that allow me to overlook the fact that he became a Tea Party Senate candidate in the 2010 midterms.

25. Brett Favre: Admittedly, he did become a major pain in the ass by unretiring more often than Cher. And his Croc-shot was disappointing, to say the least. But there's no denying he was stud in his Green Bay heyday -- "There's Something About Mary" says it all -- and even matured into a sexy bear.

See the next 25 players HERE.

26. David Anderson: This 29-year-old wide receiver from California is a free agent. Anyone interested?

27. Reggie Bush: This Miami running back doesn't have the best taste in women, but I wouldn't kick him out of bed for eating Armenian.

28. Rocky Bleier: On top of the sexy 'stache, this Steelers great has an incredible story. After been seriously wounded while serving in Vietnam after his rookie year, he was told he would never compete again, Instead, he would go on to play in Pittsburgh's first four Super Bowl victories, taking home rings to go with his Purple Heart.

29. Ken O'Brien: Green really suits the former Jets QB.

30. Troy Aikman: The Dallas Cowboys superstar was always one of those guys I found simultaneously sexy and disgusting -- that huge mouth and teeth all over the place. (Did I want to kiss it or punch it?) If Troy ever decided to come out of the closet, it would be huge for us.

31. Jason Taylor: The former Dolphins star has a face for TV, which is exactly where you will find him today.

32. Rob Gronkowski: The Patriots star isn't the best-looking guy around, but he's got something about him that drives 'em wild.

33. Chris Long: This defensive end apple for the Rams doesn't fall far from the tree, and he even has a 'stache, like his dad did briefly in the early '90s!

34. Jason Witten: Can't stand the Cowboys, but this tight end works for me.

35. Rob Ninkovich: The Patriots defensive end is so versatile: He looks good with or without a beard.

36.  Dwight Clark: This former wide receiver for the San Francisco 49ers still looks good today.

37. Jason Sehorn: His skill as a cornerback impressed many, but it was his turn as an underwear model for 2(x)ist that first made him a mini gay icon. 

 38. Travis Jervey: The former Packers running back was a cute guy with an incredible body. Wonder if he's still rommates with LeShon Johnson.  

39. Aaron Rodgers: The MVP Green Bay quarterback is a little bug-eyed, but in a cute way -- plus he seems like a sweet guy. The self-deprecating State Farm commercials and occasional 'stache only add to my affection.

40. Matt Leinart: There's no question this QB was a lot hotter when he was the next big thing out of USC. But I'd still scrimmage with this Trojan man.

41. Wes Welker: Not only did this spunky Patriots wide receiver hand the Super Bowl to Giants last year, he's a big supporter of Movember!

42. Tim Tebow: I'm not as infatuated with the homeless QB as my blog would indicate, but I am fascinated by his superstardom, despite any extraordinary athletic gifts.

43. Joe Theisman: The former Redskins QB is known to be a bit a prick -- I'm GLAD his prostate gives him fits -- but he was kinda hot back in the day, especially at Notre Dame.

44. Jim Everett played quarterback for the Rams when I -- and they -- lived in Los Angeles. He caught my eye on the cover of GQ, but sadly he is best remembered for not taking able to take a joke, attacking radio/TV personality Jim Rome for calling him Chris Evert.

45. Chad Pennington: The blond QB was never able to achieve much success with the Jets or Dolphins. But he reminds me of this college wrestler I hooked up with in Huntington Beach back in the early '90s, so he'll always be a star to me.

46. Alex Smith: His team is going to the Super Bowl, but unfortunately for him he won't be playing. Number 50 got his job. He can always fall back on being a Ryan Gosling impersonator ...

47. Aaron Hernandez of the New England Patriots has one of the best smiles in sports -- and something else looks pretty good, too.

48. Joe Montana: The Hall of Fame 49er wasn't the best-looking man alive, but I include him for spawning this Johnny Davenport lookalike son. Woof!!!!

49. Drew Brees: The Saint QB has that regular-guy quality about him that makes him sexy. Bonus points for his junior tennis career, where he defeated Andy Roddick when he was 12 ... and Andy was 9! 

50. Colin Kaepernick: You'll be seeing lots of him this Sunday: He's the quarterback for the 49ers!

Honoroable mentions:

Jim Harbaugh: Look for the former quarterback on Sunday: He's head coach for the 49ers now and is still pretty do-able.

Also considered Jordy Nelson (that's his ass at the very top of this list), the Manning brothers, Matt Flynn, Chris Kluwe, Colin McCarthy, Sam Bradford, Matt Cassel, Matt Ryan, Austin Collie, Jay Feely and Blaine Gabbert in Movember.


Lovemesomepigskin said...

Pretty good list. Amen to the inclusion of the Manning bros. Let me introduce you to Dennis Pitta - Ravens tight end. He'll make the game worth watching this Sunday!

Chad said...

Nicely done, Kenneth! I can tell you put a lot of thought and effort into this list. While I don't recognize a lot of the names, I will concur that they are HOT! And that's all that matters. ;) Would have preferred my beloved Tim Tebow further up the list, but at least he made the list. And glad the Mannings were at least mentioned if not on the official list. Great job!

Anonymous said...

Pretty awesome list. You're so right about Troy Aikman, can't put my finger on it, but there's something about that former Dallas QB! Have you seen his latest shirtless pics! DANG! Man is ripped!

Nice tip to the Manning bros.

em said...

Nice job, Kenneth.

Daniel Drent said...

a good list but you left of

John Matuszak and his sexy Playgirl spread from 1982

Craig said...

Well done. I fell in lust with Carr while he was at Fresno State. I might add John Lynch ahead of a few of them.

Anonymous said...

I think current marriage equality advocates Chris Kluwe, Brendan Ayanbadejo, Scott Fujita and Connor Barwin should jump to the top of the list.

Anonymous said...

Amen to Tony Gonzalez, Dhani Jones, Justin Tuck, Trent Green, Dallas Clark.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad Mike Alstott is on your list. He's Numero Uno on mine.

Jim said...

#11. Joey H, probably one of the nicest guys you will ever meet. Run into him in the grocery store here in Portland. He is a sportscaster? for Fox news college games.

He also happens to be one of those guys who turns heads. I bet he has no clue how handsome he really is.... said...

LOVE LOVE LOVE this post, well done!


StevenORLN said...

Loved the you have the Atrain- Mike Alstott so high on the list but as a Bucs fan I always loved John Lynch too. Great looking and great body! Could never decide between the too. And they both get better looking with age. Bo Bucs!

frasherd said...

I know you're not a Cowboys fan, but I don't see how any list could be complete without Daryl "Moose" Johnston. He was gorgeous then, and is just as gorgeous now. Woof!

Blobby said...

You forgot Mike Vrabel.

Anonymous said...

Joe Namath was walking sex back in his heyday. And Kurt Warner was incredibly hot with his stubble.

Lynn said...

More than any other athletes, football players are interchangable. During the game, you can't see their faces because of the helmets, and you can't check out their bodies because of the pads. On the rare occasion that you see one of them out of uniform, there's that unfortunate drawback they all share: no necks.

Anonymous said...

Unfortunately there are only 5 hot guys on this list.....
2. Eric Decker
6. Brady Quinn
7. Danny Amendola
10. Tom Brady
25. Brett Favre

Anonymous said...

Is it humanly possible to assemble a list like this and simultaneously cloak your personal preferences regarding physical traits? Probably not, and this sort of stuff is just for fun anyway, right? OK, so the blogger has a mustache fetish. We all have our own individual fetishes. I think that had Burt Reynolds and Tom Selleck (as Magnum PI) had been NFL players they would they have topped this list. Oh, wait! Isn't Tom Selleck a REPUBLICAN??? My issue with this list isn't the men in's with the typical, tired, stereotypically catty political comments for anyone who dare be to the right of the "mainstream gay left". These sheep just can't let a sexy guy just be a sexy guy without whining that they might be so much hotter if they weren't so wrong and mean and stupid and.... mean and wrong. Ugh.

Anonymous said...

A few I'd like to see added. Charlie Whitehurst, Justin Fargas, Bruce Gradkowski, Jay Cutler

Fit Studs said...

Let me start with my total & complete favorite on the list... Danny Amendola! He looks amazing in all of the photos on Google, just a sexy jock in general.

While those photos of Adam Vinatieri & Rob Ninkovich are pretty hot as well, but just those you posted. Oooh, we love 'em sportsmen! ^_^

Rafe said...

Howie brought me here. My #1!