Friday, August 01, 2008

Anonymously Yours


It's not every day that I admonish my readers, but I'm afraid today that's exactly what needs to be done. What else should I do when not one of you had the decency to tell me the truth about my "Chelsea Lately" round table audition video. Lucky for me "anonymous" had the balls to set me straight in ways none of you spineless cowards would. I'll let anonymous explain: 

Anonymous: I don't think you are a natural in front of the camera -- very stilted and awkward (you seemed very nervous in front of a friend's handcamera, which doesn't bode well if you want to be in front of a television studio set-up and audience). I felt I had to comment as it seems your sychophantic regular readers were setting you up for a fall. Perhaps you should just stick to your day job -- writing about celebrities, instead of trying to be one. 

Thanks, anonymous. My only problem with YOU (and I have just this one) is that you didn't send me this comment SOONER. You see, I ALREADY QUIT MY JOB and PACKED UP MY APARTMENT to head out to Hollywood!!! I was SO CERTAIN that my "one take in one long breath with no script and no rehearsal and no way to edit it" video that I MADE FOR FUN the day it was due with an hour to spare before I had to be at work having never been in front of a camera before was NOT ONLY going to NAIL the Chelsea gig for me, but lead to leading-man film roles and change life as I know it . (Even without the movie star part, TV pundits ARE "celebrities" as you astutely pointed out.) The only upside is that my bags are already packed, so instead of boarding that JetBlue flight to Burbank I can simply slide into the local homeless shelter (discreetly, "celebrity" style -- I have SOME dignity left) and pray that my unemployment claim doesn't get denied since I'm fool the who QUIT MY DAY JOB thanks to my readers (sycophants, right?) who didn't care enough about me to tell me the truth. like you did. To all of you pathetic slobs -- and even more so to my so-called "friends" and "family" -- I say this: shame on you! How sad that the only person willing to cushion "my fall" (anonymous felt he "had to" -- how SWEET!) is an unidentifiable commenter in the middle of the night. Thanks for caring, anonymous! And thanks being so brave. Once I get out of the fetal position I am going to go back to doing what I do best. Not being a celebrity :-) 

Hugs and kisses, 
kenneth

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

call me a sycophant but this post is 10 times funnier than anything ive ever seen on chelsea lately!

Matthew said...

I thought I saw you in that McCain ad mixed in with Paris & Britney!

Anonymous said...

You sound like a dick

r said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Unknown said...

This is the side of you that Chelsea needs to see and why she'd like you (almost) as much as Grey Goose.

Anonymous said...

You were going to fly JetBlue? DEFINITELY not celebrity material, Kenneth!

Steve said...

Let me know what those homeless shelters are like in New York. I heard they just got new plasma TVs and Emeril works the dinner shift.

When you make it onto Chelsea Lately you can talk about slumming it with the other homeless celebrities.

Tony (LT) said...

Lordy, Kenneth, I love you!

BTW, where do I renew my sycophant card?

Unknown said...

bitchslap across the digital divide!, icy cold and refreshing on this hot muggy night. i would watch chelsea if you were on

Anonymous said...

Made of win, just as much as Federer these past two weeks.

Timmy said...

You need to send this post to Chelsea to further confirm why you belong on the show.

re: Anonymous said...

You were going to fly JetBlue? DEFINITELY not celebrity material, Kenneth!

7:27 PM


There are different levels of celebrity. Just ask Kathy Griffin!

Anonymous said...

Well, I think it's kind of obvious you want to get the gig so you can get more practice in front of the camara, and seem more natural on television. And so you can get your sycophant on and kiss her ass.

But really, all of this is so naive. Hollywood isn't about talent, its about getting an audience. What's most important about the video is you showing your blog, and that it targets Chelsea's core audience. Plus the subtle threat that if she doesn't put you on, you can use it to destroy her.

This will totally be anonymous.

nojarama said...

I think I just peed a bit laughing so hard. He-He! Oops! I did it again... Where the hell are my Depends?!