Page 1 Consider (01/25)

How Embarrassing: College student claims Joe Pesci punched him. (AP)

Toying With Guns: CNN reported that "an 8-year-old boy accidentally shot a 7-year-old at a day-care center in Maryland" on Tuesday. I was going to make a crack about how ridiculous it was that this distinction would be used (like little children deliberately shoot one another!) but then I remembered that our entire world revolves around how cool it is that Notorious B.I.G. and Tupac got shot by gang posses, and that it's completely normal that someone always gets shot at every one of Diddy's parties. God help us all. (Washington Post)

Get Off Me!: Actor Chris Penn was found dead at his Santa Monica residence. Sad news, but I'll bet she's relieved. (AP)

Another Mustache Ride?: This is exactly what we don't need. (Hollywood Reporter)

Jesus Christ!: Kanye West has caused a lot of controversy by posing as Jesus Christ in the new issue of Rolling Stone. I can see what the protesters are upset about: everyone knows Jesus had talent. (Reuters)

Notorious L.O.A.D.: Mr. Britney Spears is shopping around a rap album. Where's that gun-toting 8-year-old when you need him? (AP)