Sand in My Shoes

So my beloved "Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County" returned for a third season recently and I can't begin to explain how disappointed I am by this year's cast (Well, yes I can. Keep reading.). Unlike the whole Lauren-Kristin dynamic -- which was understandable given their mutual affection for cutie Stephen -- this year's "cool" girls aren't the least bit interesting (even in a high-school kind of way) or even attractive. It's like the real life version of the movie "Mean Girls" only just as scripted and not nearly as fun. I read in today's NY Times that MTV is launching a Virtual Orange County that allows your avatar to hang out where the Laguna kids hang out and be part of the Laguna scene. Here's the first thing my avatar would do:

Punch Cami in the face. Has there ever been someone as reprehensible as this one? This girl is stupid, ugly and obviously as nasty as she is to cover up the fact that she knows that if Kyndra ever came to her senses and dumped her, her life would be over.

Kyndra is supposed to be this year's Kristin, but she doesn't measure up at all. For no apparent reason she turned on her childhood friend Tessa (maybe Tessa wasn't willing to be her gopher the way Cami is), and now thinks she rules the school. Well, that may be, but why does she look like a 35-year-old mom from Long Island? She's obviously Italian but wants so badly to have the quintessential California Girl look, so dyes her hair and tans constantly (not good).

Unlike last year's show when there were a few cute guys to fawn over, this season is pretty barren in that department. Kelan (above) is the one exception, but they hardly ever show him. Plus I feel like a pervert finding this youngster so cute.

Cameron (above) is this year's "player." His body is smoking hot but his face is so-so and you can just tell by looking at him that he's one slice of pound cake away from being a total fatty. And what an idiot. Making matters even more pathetic is the return of Jessica and Alex H. -- both of whom seem to be have been completely dissed by way-too-cool-for-them-now Kristin. Jessica (who isn't even in high school) thinks she's dating Cameron, meanwhile he's hooking up with Tessa and Kyndra every time she turns her back. Get a life, Jessica.

Chase (above, left) is supposed to be one of the show's "hotties," but his uncanny resemblance to the Brazilian tennis player Guga Kuerten (above, right) is about the only notable thing about "his looks." Chase comes across as this sensitive nice guy, but he constantly blows everyone off because he's "so busy" with his band, Open Air Stereo(!) (The Rolling Stones at their peak weren't as busy as Chase claims to be). I'm not buying it ...

And then there's Lauren "LC" Conrad's little sister Breanna. What the hell happened to this chick's face? Poor thing. Lauren turned out like Marcia Brady and Breanna got this freakish man jaw and things just get worse from there. On top of that, like Kyndra this Breanna blew off her childhood best friend (Tessa's new best friend Raquel), only Breanna sits around crying about it 24 hours a day and plays the victim. But even the protagonists -- Tessa and Raquel -- are both boring and can't speak a complete sentence without slipping into that whispery high-pitch "girl voice" that girls tend to use when they're around "boys" they find cute. (Read: nauseating.)

I don't know about you, but if this keeps up I'm not sure I'll be going back to The Beach again anytime soon ...