Back in January when I read that Madonna's leaky new album
had anywhere from 19 to 25 songs on it, my first thought was to panic. (You know what they say about "MDNA" flashbacks.) Then I recalibrated, realizing two-dozen songs increased the odds that there would be a few I liked, as was already the case with "Ghosttown," which came out in the Christmas batch of early releases. Over the weekend, after dozens of demos, unfinished and never-finished tracks have worked their way into the world, Madonna's 13th studio album officially came out. And while the odds of loving 25 new songs by a past-their-prime-but-longtime-favorite artist are slim to zero for anyone, the news is good,
After reading my pal According to G's
exhaustive review -- which even compares the finished tracks to the unfinished leaks and reviews the ones that never saw the light of day -- and others, I found the most interesting parts weren't always the catty takedowns of the songs one doesn't like, but the shared joy of the ones that you do. With this in mind, I thought it would be fun to give my feelings on each song -- then bold-facing the ones I'd have picked to build a
near-perfect(*) new album.
Have a read, then let me know which "Rebel" tunes warm your "Heart."
"Living for Love"
By no means bad, but it sounds more like something that was crafted by a professional songwriter -- or
six -- for someone who doesn't generally write their own material, like Cher. Just a bit generic for a lead single from Madonna, whose signature seems to be completely missing here.
"Devil Pray"
This one's OK -- sort of reminiscent of "I Deserve It" -- although the part where she rattles off drugs kinda makes me cringe.
"Ghosttown"
Wow. Just wow. The first time I heard this one I nearly fell out of my chair. Easily one of her best tracks of the past 20 years -- a post-apocalyptic love song for the ages. Truly a masterpiece -- this should have been the album's first single. (Horrified to just read two of its cowriters were born in '83!)
"Unapologetic Bitch"
The title -- and the fact that there are at least three songs on this album I can think of off the top of my head that feature the word "bitch" -- had my defenses up, but this one's the winner. With its reggae beat and infectious chorus, no apology required.
"Illuminati"
Like my girl Debbie Harry, Madonna has gotten into the unfortunate habit of rapping on all of albums. Sadly, this one's more "American Life" than "Rapture." (And would you believe its repetitive refrain is even worse than the rapping part?)
"Bitch, I'm Madonna"
Collaborating with Nicki Minaj didn't work the first time -- nor did self-referencing -- so not sure why she tried again. The vocals are so processed it's hardly recognizable as being a Madonna song -- is that why she keeps reminding the listener: "Bitch, I'm Madonna!" -- and with Britney Spears so associated with the "bitch" intro, it's even more perplexing.
"Hold Tight"
Cute and catchy, but nothing special. (Make a bonus track?)
"Joan of Arc"
This one's so pretty and infectious -- with the best gear shift since Carly Simon had clouds in her coffee -- that you'll almost overlook the fact that she's comparing herself to a saint. Almost.
"Iconic"
Considering it features Mike Tyson, it's not nearly as bad as I'd have expected. Working in the Ali reference helps, but are "i can" and "icon" two letters apart or one?
"HeartBreakCity"
Maybe not a classic, but this piano-driven breakup anthem is just the kind of song I'd love to see Madonna sing on a never-gonna-happen "Unpluggd" tour. Maybe in 2025?
"Body Shop"
Sure, the lyrics are desperately in need of a Caffey-Wiedlin overhaul. But this one's Madonna's sweetest and more playful song in ages, harkening back to "True Blue" and "Cherish." (She actually sounds like she's having fun!) Madonna + sitar = magic. Love, love, love.
"Holy Water"
Although I'd been warned, it turns out bracing myself for a song about pussy juice wasn't enough -- this album's got two. "Holy Water" also features the b-word -- "bitch, get off my pole" -- but the chorus is pretty catchy, so you might still get off even if it didn't do the trick for me.
"Inside Out"
Nothing groundbreaking, another good chorus makes it worthwhile. (Make a bonus track?)
"Wash All Over Me"
Fine, if not a tad boring. Sort of a low-rent "Dear Jesse."
"Best Night"
A welcome shift in tempo, but this more urban-flavored track could have been a "Bedtime Stories" b-side at best -- and I'd have rather had "Love Won't Wait" or "Freedom" back then.
"Veni Vidi Vici"
Perhaps better in theory than execution. But this reflective track -- with its "I came, I saw, I conquered" refrain -- is an interesting move from someone who hates nostalgia. Maybe that's why she had to nearly ruin it with a completely unnecessary screaming fit by Nas.
"S.E.X."
Oh, dear. The album's one true stinker. No, not because a woman of a certain age is singing about sex. Because it's a collection of single entendres that make a
Real Hotwife of Orlando seem clever -- this time she's "soaking wet" -- and then a spoken list of sexually related items read by what sounds like Carol Channing. Truly undeserving of inclusion here.
"Messiah"
Perfunctory ballad.
"Rebel Heart"
Sweet -- and I like the guitar work. Sure, everything it does "Joan of Arc" does better. But any time Madonna is willing to look back, I'm willing to hear her out.
"Beautiful Scars"
Something about the tempo and arrangement of this one makes me think of early-era Madonna, which is to say I like it.
"Queen"
Where do I begin here? Madge's most epic and chilling song of all time -- an imaginary telling of the assassination of the Queen of England -- that is truly sublime. Walter Cronkite got goosebumps in his grave. I might even let her have the accent back.
"Borrowed Time"
Madonna covers some familiar ground here -- love not peace, make every moment count, etc. -- but the idea that life is short has a bit more resonance at this stage in her career.
"Graffiti Heart"
You can bet your Rubik's Cube this '80s-inspired love song works for me.
"Autotune Baby"
OK, I set out to not make too much of an issue out of which songs were included on the "main" album versus the "deluxe" album and the "super deluxe" album, but are you f**king kidding me here? "Autotune Baby" is not only one of the album's finest moment, it's Madonna's catchiest song since "Music." This is especially noteworthy considering the titular "autotune baby" that cries periodically during the track is the most annoying thing ever, yet I'm still completely hooked on whoever came up with this hook -- pure pop perfection.
Yeah, all wrapped up, I wanna be your little baby now / Put my head on your shoulder
You can rock me, rock me now / In the middle of the night you can hear me crying loud / Put my head on your shoulder and rock me
"Addicted"
A plaintive, guitar-driven ode to "the one that got away." Maybe not my favorite, but this'd be a No. 1 hit if Miley Cyrus recorded it, yet it languishes as a "super bonus" track here. Truly makes no sense.
So there you have it. The comments section is wide open -- I only ask that you click on the Name/URL option and at least put your first name. I'm eager to hear what you think of Madonna's new album, which is arguably her best since "Music."
UPDATE: It's been brought to my attention that the exact version of the album I am reviewing may not be for sale on iTunes, but I assure you this was purchased from a completely legitimate
Ukrainian website.
