At 73, Carly Simon Still Knows What to Do

Hard to believe 1970s sex goddess Carly Simon turns 73 today. (We saw her in March and she still looks gorgeous!) A friend told me earlier that he had "You Know What to Do" stuck in his head -- an erotic synthpop single from her "Hello, Big Man" album that failed to heat up the charts. The video got some rotation back in the day, though. But having read her shocking memoir, it's hard not to view the scenes in the pool house through a disturbing new lens -- one of a sexually awakening young girl who was preyed on by a older boy who used her as a substitute for her big sister he couldn't get, rather than just a garden-variety lust affair. If you haven't read "Boys in the Trees," you don't know what you're missing. Carly never disappoints.

P.S.

From a Facebook group I belong to.

From the archives:

New York Times article dated May 22, 1971

UPDATE: After Carly's two older sisters died in 2022, it became clear that Carly had fibbed about her age a bit. (Wikipedia had her birth year as 1945, making her Debbie Harry's age.) Carly was in fact born in 1943, which means she was actually 75 when this post was written. Although I don't have any proof, my guess is she did it because she was pushing 30 when her debut album came out -- having already been in the music industry for a while as part of the Simon Sisters. Or it could have been to narrow the gap with hubby James Taylor, who was five years her junior. 

51 Candles

Birthday sure is off to a fun start: Great dinner with Chad, Greg and Damian, followed by a trip to the Donut Pub. And now my guy is whisking me off to Martha’s Vineyard for the weekend — finally going to find out what this “Menemsha” Carly Simon was going on about when I was a kid. Happy birthday, indeed! ☘️

A post shared by Kenneth M. Walsh (@kenneth_212) on Jun 7, 2018 at 10:02pm PDT

Happy Birthday to Tracy Austin

Here's wishing the Powerhouse in Pinafore a very happy 55th! I almost feel like one of those (millions of) people who says they were at Woodstock or Stonewall when I say I first discovered tennis during the 1977 U.S. Open -- perhaps the most exciting/bizarre Grand Slam event in history -- but I did. World Tennis hailed "A Kid, A Rabbit and A Champion" -- Tracy, Wendy Turnbull and Chris Evert, respectively -- and a muscular Argentinian with outrageous topspin stunned American favorite Jimmy Connors for the men's title. (Plus a fan was "shot" during 18-year-old John McEnroe's match versus Eddie Dibbs -- during the Summer of Sam -- and a 6-1, 43-year-old "transsexual" named Renee Richards won the right to compete in the women's draw.) But it was "The Kid" -- 14-year-old Tracy Ann Austin from Rolling Hills Estates, Calif. -- who captured my 10-year-old imagination, with her pigtails, squeals and powerful groundstrokes. From the second I saw her crush Britain's Sue Barker in the third round I was hooked on the game -- and her. Although injuries cut her already Hall-of-Fame-worthy career short, it's been a joy watching her mature into a mother and skilled commentator. Enjoy your day, Trace!

Dusting off the old garb at the 2014 International Tennis Hall of Fame in Newport, R.I.

Ranking Birthday Girl Madonna's Albums

Last week while realizing Madonna's 59th birthday was coming up -- 59! -- I started to feel nostalgic about the big sister I never had, and began reflecting on of all the great music she had given us over the years. To say she has provided the soundtrack of my youth is almost an understatement -- seeing her live on The Virgin (Phoenix), Who's That Girl (Detroit) and twice on Blond Ambition (Los Angeles) tours are four of my fondest concert memories -- and I can pretty much tell you where I was when each single and each video from those first few albums was released. (And let's not even talk about agonizing over chart positions -- "Cherish" should have hit No. 1, damn it!) 

 I've always been obsessed with lists -- before the Internet I would makes lists of anything I could think of (tennis rankings, albums I own, places I've been) -- so for fun I decided to rank her 13 studio albums (plus "I'm Breathless" since it kind of was one, too) to mark her special day. As I was doing this, so many thoughts and emotions crossed my mind -- remembering buying the "Borderline" single that folded out into a poster; getting the "True Blue" 45 on blue vinyl with the then-Holy Grail of Madonna songs ("Ain't No Big Deal") as its b-side, and it wasn't long before I began engaging all of my friends in this endlessly entertaining activity. (You don't have to ask a fellow gay twice to send you a list of his favorite Madonna albums!)

Although for years I prided myself -- for lack of a better term -- on saying "Like a Prayer" and later "Ray of Light" were Madonna's best albums, when I really looked back on the past three-plus decades of her music, I had to admit that it was the first two that by far brought me the most joy. They're the two that I know every word and every breath of. Whose videos coming on MTV made my so-called (teenage) life worth living.

I remember shocking Joel Avery in P.E. class when I told him the girl who sang this was white!

They're the two I bought at Fiesta Mall with my friend Greg, that we played incessantly on our little record players while dissecting the album covers and liner notes -- debating which "side" of each was better. (Side 1's opener "Material Girl" was never my favorite and Side 2's "Dress You Up" is the best, but if you can get through the former then you get "Angel" and so much more!) Kind of to my surprise, I realized I was not alone in this way of thinking, as my two best friends -- Mark (from 6th grade) and the aforementioned Greg Jelinek (from 8th) -- Nina (my best gal pal), Scooter LaForge (artist), Greg Endries (photographer) and Bruce Derfler (aka DJ Taffy, who dazzled the crowd at my book-release party) all picked Madge's eponymous debut as their favorite, too. (In statistical terms that's 7 of the 13 people, or just over 50%.)

Madonna biographer Matt Rettenmund and legendary promoter Chip Duckett both put "Ray of Light" on top -- which I would still agree is her best album from an artistic point of view, but lacks "fun" songs save for the title track -- though interestingly picked "Madonna" (Matt) and "Like a Prayer" (Chip) as their runners-up, all concurring with my top four picks. Of the other fans, age certainly seemed to factor in -- as it did with my picks. My 39-year-old boyfriend (Damian) was just the right age when "Bedtime Stories" came out, and that's his favorite. And my theater-loving mid-40s friend Chad (of S'Good Reviews fame) loves "Erotica" best because it was his "coming out" album, although he technically put "Like a Prayer" first out of respect for his elders. (Peer pressure never ends!) The survey sample wasn't big, but I was a little surprised how high "Music" ranked with so many of the respondents. (Damian, Greg and Chip all had it in the Top 3 while Matt and I barely had it in the Top 10 -- and Jelinek and Scooter had it out of the Top 10.) "Confessions on a Dancefloor" definitely wowed others more than it did me. Matt put it on par with his Top 3, Taffy had it No. 2 and Chip, Greg Jelinek and Scooter all had it in their Top 5. Greg Endries made a good point that if compact discs had never come along, "Erotica" and so on would have only had 11 songs or fewer, which would have trimmed some of the fat and possibly changed things.

While lists often feel like they were invented to stir up trouble, I present you mine with love and great respect for the artist. And now I'd love to hear your thoughts and personal rankings in the comments. Oh, and happy birthday, Madonna! Life wouldn't have been nearly as fun without you. xo

  1. "Madonna"

  2. "Like a Virgin"

  3. "Like a Prayer"

  4. "Ray of Light"

  5. "Bedtime Stories"

  6. "True Blue"

  7. "Erotica"

  8. "I'm Breathless"

  9. "Music"

10. "Confessions on a Dance Floor"

11. "American Life"

12. "Rebel Heart"*

13. "MDNA"

14. "Hard Candy"

*Based on her lineup, thanks to not one, but TWO songs about pussy juice(!) and the inclusion of a convicted rapist (I don't ever want Mike Tyson in my life); if I had been able to choose 11 songs from the 25 I got with my Ukrainian version of the album, it would have ranked higher. "Hard Candy" and "MDNA" also had bonus tracks that were better than stuff included on the proper release. All three of these are sort of like Rorschach tests to me -- depending on my mood I can either enjoy them or find them pretty annoying. Still all of them are better than 95% of the new music that comes my way, so it's not as big a dig as it may sound.

P.S. See some of my friends' lists HERE.

Song of the Day: 'Happy Birthday' by Altered Images

I'd be mortified to be 50 today if I weren't so acutely aware how lucky I am to have lived this long. Between the AIDS epidemic, f**king cancer and a fluke case of meningitis, I've lost more people before they even reached the half-century mark than I care to remember. So before this gets too somber, I'll just keep trying to adhere to the adage that is meant to be funny but is so true: Live every day like it's your last, because one day it will be. xo

My Kenyan father planted this in the local paper in case I ever wanted to run for president ...

My grandmother ended it all when she turned the big 5-0 ... I figure I'll just ride it out!

Happy 60th Birthday to Martina Navratilova!

  Sending my best to the legendary lefty who -- given her impeccable singles career, numerous doubles titles and unparalleled longevity (she won the U.S. Open mixed shortly before turning 50!) -- could arguably be called the greatest player of all time. You've come a long way, baby!

Happy Birthday to Chrissie Hynde!

The Pretenders legend turns 65 today, although she shows no signs of retiring.

Happy Birthday, Madonna!

The Queen of Pop turns 58 today.

Happy Un-Birthday to Me!

Had a wonderful birthday yesterday -- Hillary sealed the deal, Larry's still kicking, heard from all my friends and family from around the country, Damian took me for a great dinner at Cafe Cluny then drinks with a big group of friends at Julius' -- and I got the "Maude" box set! And thanks to everyone online for their birthday wishes, I feel very loved. xo

 

Today is my un-birthday, which Mister Rogers makes seem even more special than my real one!

Happy Birthday to Me!

Wow, it seems like only yesterday my family had flown in to surprise me for my 40th -- and today I begin the final year of this decade. Life is filled with challenges -- in the years since, I lost my dream job at the New York Times, my cat Troy died and now Larry is clinging on for his, both my parents were near death at the same time, and my partner of 12 years and I parted ways. But the ensuing years have also been filled with many joyous occasions, including but not limited to both of my parents pulling through, getting another job at an equally prestigious news organization, publishing my first book, making a great new group of friends post-breakup and then meeting Damian. All in all, I feel incredibly fortunate -- and big part of that has to do with the wonderful people I've met and interacted with by way of my blog. Now time to celebrate the big day! xo

Happy 75th Birthday to Bob Dylan!

If not for him, my winter would hold no spring. Five ways to celebrate the big day HERE.

Happy Birthday to Cher!

The half-breed singer and actress turned 70 today. Remember when she wasn't crazy about turning 40?!  

Happy Birthday to Me!

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone who has sent birthday wishes today -- more than 200 300 and counting on Facebook alone! -- and especially to the people who came out to my book event last night at BGSQD. (If you haven't gotten a copy of "Wasn't Tomorrow Wonderful," please consider buying it there or from your local book shop rather than the evil empire known as Amazon.) 

A special thank-you to Donnie and Greg for hosting, and to Tim Teeman for being such superstar moderator and friend. A lot of changes going on in my personal life right now, but I've been enormously touched by the love and support I have gotten from my friends and family -- and the people I have met through my blog. After the signing I had a great birthday dinner with my friends Yogita, Marc, Sergio, Adam and the other Tim ("My Two Tims," coming to NBC this fall) at Eatery, then attended a wedding reception for a couple from Texas who wrote to me years ago asking for advice on having an insider's trip to NYC. 

Although we had never met in person, Brian and Keith invited me to be their "guest of honor," and then graciously told me to bring my entire posse from the signing. While I was somewhat hesitant to take them up on the kind offer -- would I feel like a wedding crasher? -- the friendship translated into real life seamlessly, and I knew the second I arrived I had made the right decision. (Brian's warm smile and Keith's hot bod had a way of putting me at ease.) And it turned out we have many mutual friends here in the city, proving once again that New York is the biggest small town in the world. That they had hired my friends the Skivvies -- whom they discovered through my blog -- to perform made the event that much more special. (Hubba hubba on the guest stars this time!) Congrats, guys! I have a feeling you two will be very happy growing old together. And I can't wait till your relocate so we can pick up where we left off! 

Here comes the groom

Got the sweetest birthday present from my sister -- she turned my book party invite into a work of art -- but the best gift of all was from my parents. Molly and Gary called me on the speakerphone -- my fave -- and told me in no uncertain terms that they were 100 percent proud of me and my book, and that they had no misgivings about it. It's been a tense few months, but I can't tell you how happy hearing this made me feel. The book is my story -- and I've never had anything but love and respect for them, even if their quirky child-rearing techniques were so hilarious I couldn't help writing about them decades later! 

My first 40th birthday

Again, thanks everyone for making this 40th birthday nearly as a memorable as the first one!

Renaissance Men

Wanted to send out a big thank-you to everyone who sent me birthday wishes via Facebook, Twitter and e-mail over the weekend. Had a fun day, first a romantic lunch on the Highline with Michael (sandwiches from Bottino are the best in town!), followed by coffee with my pal Tony, then dinner at Veselka with Mikey. Afterward, we met up with for a little bar-hopping with our friends Frank and Craig. We started at Motor City -- they're Detroit guys too -- which is closing soon (rent hike was too rich for a even a bar not inspired by a dying city) followed by a drink at Eastern Bloc (no Anderson Cooper sightings, although his birthday is just five days before mine -- same year!) then a nightcap at Phoenix. Although I don't go out much these days, it was reassuring to see so many guys of all ages were out on the town enjoying themselves. I had been led to believe that vritually all gay connections these days were made via computers and apps, but this is clearly not the case. After seeing how long the line was at Artichoke Basille's Pizza on 14th Street, I insisted we slum it and go for a bite at the newish IHOP across the street. Sure, my surburban roots were showing. And no, they didn't even have the International Passport Breakfast -- my "ususal." But my 2 x 2 x 2 was absolutely delicious. And I didn't exactly notice anything left on anyone else's plate, so I think I made the right call. Thanks everyone for making it a great birthday weekend!