Page 1 Consider (04/13)

Higher Education: Columbia and Harvard may have been willing to give Barack Obama a degree, but don't think delivering the commencement address at my hoity toity alma mater is enough to get one from mine. (And I thought having Pearl Bailey at mine was the coolest thing ever!) (AZ Republic) (And what's up with O hitting all my former schools? Is the next stop Page Middle School?)

Cheers, Mate: The tabloids say it's time to unite behind Cristiano Ronaldo. (I'm OK with that.) (The Sun)

SarahPalin.com: I swear by Amazon.com, but can't figure out what this BULLSHIT is all about. (AfterElton)

New Doubles Specialist: Roger Federer finally married his very pregnant girlfriend, Mirka Vavrinec, in Basel, Switzerland, over the weekend. But something tells me the clay-court season is going to be anything but a honeymoon for either of them. (BBC)

Paging Ron Popeil: The ShamWow guy has bad luck with hookers. (TheSmokingGun)

Invisible: New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg and City Council Speaker Christine Quinn are blasting a Census Bureau decision not to count same-sex couples, saying it will make it harder for the city to balance its budget. (365Gay)

Meet Lucas Till: It seems Miley Cyrus fucks the hot ones off screen and on. (People)