My Naked Eyes Saw ...

Gay Fans: I was walking near the Port Authority when this gigantic white Gay Willis Fan Club bus came barreling around the corner. My first thought was who is this Willis guy and did he get a fan club just for being gay? Turns out Gay is the leader of Gods Woman With Attitude Inc. (apparently what she lacks in punctuation she makes up for in 'tude).

Parched: Don't get me wrong, my life revolves around Au Bon Pain. (Apparently I'm not alone: it's also the place to go in between selling children for sex in Bangkok.) But for the life of me I don't understand what is so exciting about a sandwich baked in parchment. There are posters all over the walls bragging about this parchment stuff. If anyone knows, could you please explain?

Wigged out: I passed a poster on 43rd Street for a new Colin Farrell movie ("The New World") . It's yet another period piece with another wig/wacky long hairdo. I really think Colin's agent needs to sit him down and tell him this: everyone now knows you can't act. Give up the Hollywood blockbuster bullshit and just give your fans the snuff film they really want. And if your sex tape is ready in time to be in my stocking, I think you stand a pretty good chance of actually getting your first good reviews.

Pop-Up U: I was reading Fleshbot on the InterWeb yesterday when a pop-up ad for the University of Phoenix appeared on my screen. I was so blown away by this clever marketing trick that I went ahead and enrolled in their criminal justice program.