Page 1 Consider (03/23)

John Tucker Must Dry: "Desperate Housewives" hunk Jesse Metcalfe has entered rehab to address "alcohol issues." Sadly, he didn't do something with me while under the influence that he now regrets. (AP)

Slippery Slope: With a niece and nephew of my own, no one is more concerned about protecting children from sex predators. But just as we've seen with the post-9/11 laws that were intended to combat terrorism, it's a slippery slope when you start coming up with laws in reaction to specific events. Congress found that out Thursday when its ongoing efforts to shield children from sexually explicit content on the Internet was struck down by a federal judge, who said that the Child Online Protection Act, a 1998 federal law that makes it a crime for commercial Web site operators to allow children access to "harmful" material, was in violation of the First Amendment. I couldn't agree with this ruling more. (Legal Intelligencer)

Days of Grace: The worst fears were confirmed yesterday that Elizabeth Edwards' cancer had returned, in her bones, a lung and possibly elsewhere, and is no longer curable. How did she and her presidential hopeful husband, John Edwards, react? Like the class act that they are: "Is this a hardship for us? Yes, it's yet another hurdle," she said. "But I've seen people who are in real desperate shape who don't, first of all, have the wonderful support that I have and have no place to turn." The Edwardses say the campaign will go on, to which I say go for it. (WP)

Tits Galore: For the first time ever, boob jobs outrank nose jobs as the top cosmetic procedure in America. (Reuters)

Fighting Hate: The killing of a gay man in Detroit, Andrew Anthos, may change hate-crime laws. The 72-year-old's death has become a symbol in the federal and state campaign to protect gays. This may the first good thing to come out of the Motor City in 30 years. (AP)

The Family That Molests Together: A convicted child molester and his father took turns sexually assaulting a 6-year-old boy while the molester’s mother watched, then they choked the boy to death, according to an indictment issued Wednesday. What the f**k is wrong with people? This is the most revolting thing I've seen in years, although I will say that based on these photos this family of degenerates did little to hide the fact that they were evil. (AP)

Reversal of Fortune: A billionaire in Hawaii has handed over eight of his multimillion-dollar homes to homeless Native Hawaiian families. (AP)

McMillan and Wife: Author Terry McMillan has decided to further humiliate herself by suing her former husband for $40 million, alleging that he tried to smear her reputation during their highly publicized 2005 divorce. This is definitely not how Stella got her groove back, someone needs move on. (AP)

Blades Need Sharpening: Michael and I attended a press screening of "Blades of Glory" last night in Times Square. The silly premise started out promising and the first half-hour was pretty damn hilarious (the mere sight of Will Ferrell and Jon Heder pretty much cracks me up). But as is often the case with these types of films, the plot starts to get in the way of the fun, and it's not until the last 15 minutes that things get funny again. (CP)

Sclemeel, Schlemazel: A new faux reality show reteaming Laverne DeFazio and Shirley Feeney (nee Penny Marshall and Cindy Williams)? I'm so there. No word on the Big Ragu. (NYP)

Scrooged: The end of the Hollywood Christmas Parade? (LAT)