I have tried to develop a crush on Pittsburgh quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. God knows things ended pretty badly with my ex-lover, Jake Plummer. But somehow I'm just not feeling it, Ben. Even with your big Super Bowl ring. Maybe it's just too soon. Or maybe I'm not ready to open up to a quarterback again. Losing the beard on Letterman certainly isn't going to help things, Ben. Well, unless you just turned it into a goatee -- in which case give me a call.

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