Page 1 Roundup (08/29)

The Daily News: EMT son of FDNY chief still on job after ignoring 911 calls and 3 arrests for posing as cop

Unlike his masturbation routine, I'm pretty sure no one is forcing anyone to watch Louis C.K. perform stand-up

Instagram: Hot Jew alert

New York Post: Queen of Soul makes regal entrance

Bombshell suit alleges Columbia dean coerced student into sex

This horror scene sounds like the sequel to 'He Knows You're Alone'

The Randy Report: Trump administration to pay $4.7 billion to farmers for trade war started by Donald

The New York Times: Trump warned evangelical leaders Monday night that Democrats “will overturn everything that we’ve done and they’ll do it quickly and violently” if Republicans lose control of Congress in the midterm elections(!)

Joe Arpaio’s loss in Arizona’s Senate Republican primary is a fitting end to the public life of a truly sadistic man

The Washington Post: If Trump is really toast, why are all of the candidates he endorses winning so handily?

The Wall Street Journal: Nothing unites a divided country like an escaped 18-foot snake in the suburbs

Singles tire of swiping and look to slow down dating: 'There is something new about the intensity with which these apps wear people out'